Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security.  One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.

That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.

At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!

But, is this really a problem? Are our young warriors really Too Fat to Fight?

Run! Run, you bastards!

When was the last time soldiers ran? If they’re getting fat on KFC in Kabul, then obviously not since basic training.

But, historically, when was the last time soldiers had to run over any ground? Vietnam? The Army airlifted draftees like transferred killer whales. Maybe Korea?

The last time most Americans can agree that soldiers required some physical fitness was Pickett’s one-mile jaunt across a field in Gettysberg. And those lazy sons of bitches didn’t even cross the whole distance, dropping like flies. (And most of the guys in WWI couldn’t even get out of the trench!)

Running just isn’t a warfighting thing now. Maybe if you’re special forces or something, but they’re also the only people in combat that still use f#@king karate.

It’s a different kind of war

Let’s just say, for argument’s sake, that the military decides to launch a running infantry attack, just to catch the enemy off-guard. That would be a step backwards by at least three wars. Soldiers haven’t gotten lazier; wars are fought with lazier means.

Who was the last Al-Qaeda Number Two (because they’re apparently all “Number Two”) that we killed with a knife? Or with even a bullet?

They’ve all, to a tee, been killed by fighter jets, attack helicopters or Predator drones. Two require the ability to sit and not get motion sickness. The last one requires the ability to sit and not get Doritos dust all over the controls.

Time to embrace our fat little soldiers (with arm extenders)

Warfighting is naturally progressing towards less risk and effort in killing people. From the first guy who figured out how to throw a spear to drones piloted at an arcade in the U.S., we’ve moved the “asshole over there” farther and farther “over there.” We don’t even have to look at the enemy in color; we can kill them in infrared, that visual spectrum where everyone is a gun-wielding mannequin.

So, why are we so worried about fat troops? We should find new ways to use them!

You know why dictators love parades? Because they’re showing off just how big their military is by taking up an entire street or public square.

Now, think of how much more road or square you’ll fill with fat soldiers!

And then we can build larger tanks and aircraft to fit fat drivers and pilots. The skies will go dark as squadrons of F-28 Angry Rhinos block out the sun! This could be especially useful when fighting agrarian states that rely on its life-giving rays.

It’s not like the military didn’t see this coming, anyway. Fatigues have gone from tailored waistcoats and long, slim jackets to the camo frocks worn in Afghanistan these days. We’re two wars away from combat muumuus at this rate.

And look at the rapidly changing Army slogan. (Wasn’t it “Be All You Can Be” for like 30 years?)

• An Army of One: one very large guy, that is.

• Army Strong! Not Army fit. Fat guys are usually pretty strong, if only stronger than a skinny guy of the same height because they have to perform the same daily functions in a 100-pound fat suit.

Besides, it’s not like the men in the military will suffer if they get fat the way Jimmy Dean intended. They’ll still get laid because women and gay men love a man in uniform.