Look, I don’t know how to break this to you, but … well, you’re about to get dumped.
Or you’re about to dump somebody. Either way, you are about to be alone, so very alone soon.
How could I possibly know that? Because of Facebook.
David McCandless, a London designer, just released a graph of status updates containing the phrases “break up” or “broken up.” He discovered two peak periods in which the phrases were used: Spring Break and the two weeks before Christmas.
Here’s my interpretation of his data.
Christmas shopping sucks
If there’s anything that makes you wish you had less friends and family, it’s the mall in the final days of Christmas shopping.
- You’re broke.
- They’ve played the same four songs on PA since November 1.
- Every store is crowded.
- Your knuckles are all barked from fistfights with those crowds over this year’s hot ticket item.
- Mall Santas are creepy.
- You ran out of gift ideas after novelty poop, and you don’t want to be that guy that bought everyone a Snuggie.
This is where the loved ones are separated from the acquaintances, and those who don’t make the cut are getting a gift card. You know who can’t get a gift card, though? The person you have sex with. So, it’s decision time.
However, if you’re on the other end of this decision …
The perfect gift can save your ass
The one day of the year with the least breakups? Christmas.
So, if you survive the purges to gift time, you could just make it to February. But, don’t get too comfortable, because …
Valentine’s sets up Spring Break
If you fail to set a romantic mood on Valentine’s, it looks like you won’t be joining your significant other in Mexico. You know what’s in Mexico? Donkey shows.
April Fools!
There are two kinds of pranks on April Fools’ Day:
- The ones that get you beaten up.
- The one that get you dumped.
The chart unmistakably spikes on April 1st. However, since this was based on a search of terms within status updates, the break up itself could have been a prank. Sleeping with your wife’s sister is also a good prank.
The perfect storm
If the chart demonstrates anything, it’s that–like hurricanes–relationships thrive from August through October. They also generate stupid names like Pooky or Brangelina. And, if executed properly, they are capable of destructive winds ranging from 74 to 195 miles per hour.
I’ve had that theory about the spring breakup since high school. Now I finally have un-scientific evidence to prove it.
I generally break up in the fall WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECT IT. But then I end up spending Thanksgiving & Chanukah alone, which is lame.
However! Having once broken up with a guy before Valentine’s Day and kept the gift I bought him for myself, I can vouch for the overall truth of this post. :p