Listen, tubby, we tried talking to you earlier this week. We really though you would listen to us about your weight, but did you? That’s a negative. So, here we are, again, giving you advice on how you can outrun death for a few more months. Maybe this time you’ll listen.
We’ve seen you outside running, biking, playing sports, hiking, taking in the glorious sunlight. Guess what? The whole time you’ve been making yourself fatter. Get inside already! Science has proven that there is some sort of a connection between your contact with sunlight and your body’s weight, regardless of what you do or do not eat. The fact is that the sun makes you fat.
Meanwhile, it gives Superman his powers. Think about that for a while.