Dear Britain:
You’re ever so jolly. Always showing a good show, we’re never really too sure if you’re on our side or not. I mean, you’re not still sore about that whole breaking away thing, right? Cool beans. I mean, America, or more specifically, The Guys, just want to help you out. Hey, did you know that the animals have crossed the pond and begun the war on you? I mean, the evidence is right there in front of you!
At one of your aquariums, the face of a ghost was found in a shark tank. That’s some utterly horrifying shite! I mean, think about it–if a ghost is there, then clearly it’s the ghost of a poor soul that was eaten by the sharks. Yeah, that’s right, the sharks are eating your people right under your noses. That’s horrible! What’s even worse are the only two possibilities that can arise if this isn’t stopped:
- The sharks will continue to eat people. This will not stop until the entire tank is filled with the disembodied ghost heads of people, at which point, no one in your country will ever get any sleep again due to the ghostly wailing that will constantly happen.
- The sharks, secret plants by their insidious animal overlords, have been infected with a virus akin to Solarium. As any fan of Max Brooks knows, this can only lead onto zombies, and eventually, World War Z. Since zombies are cannibalistic in nature, they’ll have no need to attack the animals (unless they’re of the Italios Fulcis species)-but they won’t hesitate to attack us. The animals can simply kick back and allow our forces to be depleted, then sweep in and kill us all.
Come, join with us Britain! Put aside your differences and work together with us to end this war! We need all the help we can get-and we’ll gladly have yours, guv’na.
Sincerely,
Chris “Chugs” Taylor
(Story courtesy of Adrienne)