The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.