Men and women are very different (it’s true!), and for hundreds of years, scientists and stand-up comedians alike have been trying to figure out exactly what it is that separates the sexes, aside from the fact that one gender gets boobs at puberty, while the other gets them at age 45.
There are millions of physical, physiological and societal differences between the sexes, to use broad strokes, but there really doesn’t seem to be one thing that defines the difference. Being a student and lover of humanity, I have dedicated much of my life to figuring out just what the hell it is womenfolk are trying to say, and why they seem to think dudes are more complicated than they really are. I have found it, at long last.
The difference is underwear.
Women’s underwear is easily more varied in styles, shapes, fits and colors than men’s, and that’s the way they like it. This is because some women say their mood is affected by their underwear. What I mean to say is that there are adult females out there in the world that can feel better or worse about themselves based on the underwear they have on. To a guy, the only connection between his underwear and the quality of his day is whether they are riding up on him.
The relationship a guy has with his underwear is unlike anything else in the world, except for animals that mate for life. A guy is perfectly comfortable with wearing worn out, hole-laden, barely-functional underwear that he’s worn on a pretty regular basis since the Clinton administration. Guys, who are typically given a bad wrap for being afraid of commitment, have no problem buying a pair of underwear for the long haul.
I myself wear boxers, which is a pretty common choice for guys of my age, and it’s a decision purely based on comfort. I personally don’t care if the cloth around the elastic frays, or that there are ever-expanding holes in them, I will not throw them out. On a pair of boxer shorts, one of the most common things to wear down and fall off over time is the button that holds the flap closed. Some would argue this is the most important part of the underwear, because without it, you run the risk of getting personal with the metal zipper of the fly of your pants. I am not one to repair things for the sake of saving a bit of money, but I will sew a button back onto a pair of my boxers because they still have a few solid years of use left in them.
Ladies, by “solid years of use left in them,” I mean, “at least two underwear fibers are still connected to each other.” Why do we guys hold so dear our underwear? Really, no one knows. Perhaps it’s the fear of having to go shopping for a replacement pair, or that like a tattered old T-shirt from college, throwing away such a cherished garment represents the end of an era, and that somehow by throwing it out, you are putting your memories in the trash as well.
Men’s relationships with their underwear is changing, as is their role in society, too. There is now underwear being sold for men who want larger butts. The underwear has padding in the back, to apparently give a little more shape. Aside from being a consequence of the skinny jeans trend, if this takes off it will be the first time a guy would put on a pair of underwear with a thought of anything remotely concerning how he looks.
Folks, the gender lines are getting closer. In another 500 years, the sexes may be able to discuss their innermost thoughts and fears with their significant other over a six-pack while never taking their eyes off of SportsCenter.