There is a good chance many of you don’t know this, but I am a gourmet chef. I taught myself, and I believe it is now time for me to have my own cooking show. Of course, the world is saturated with cooking shows (both the how-to and the pseudo-dramatic types), so I have used my creativity and come up with a new angle.
The show will be called The Drunken Chef. Every week, I put back a few on camera, then show you how you can make a great sauce with getting sauced. Here’s how it would go:
“Hello there, and welcome to The Drunken Chef. I am your host, Bryan. I prefer you call me by my first name because we’re all friends here, and I kind of think of this as a bar. You don’t call people Mr. So-and-so at a bar, not even your boss. Anyway, as you have no doubt noticed, during my introduction, I have downed three shots of liquor. Now, today I am using Jim Beam bourbon, because it’s not horrible and it’s less than $40 for a handle. Can’t say that about Jack, can you?
“I suggest you all at home join me, because when you have a good buzz going, you tend to turn off that little insecurity voice in your head. You are more open to experimenting, and when you are cooking, that is always a good thing.
“Today, I am going to show you how to make the perfect breakfast. As you know, on this show, we deal exclusively with fooze, or food booze, to the unititiated. So we’re going to show you how you can start the morning off right, with a nutritous meal and a raised BAC. First off, have a beer. Sure, it may be the morning time, but you need an eye opener, and it’s not yet whiskey time. You ready now? Good.
“What makes the perfect morning? The perfect refreshment. So, and this you’re going to have to take care of days ahead, we’re going to make you a healthy and tasty screwdriver. You need an air tight container, some vodka, and your favorite fruits. I am using strawberries, kiwis and lemons. Slice up the fruit and fill your container halfway up with it, then it’s time to pour in the vodka. I suggest mid-range stuff. Take a swaller or two for yourself while you’re at it. It doesn’t matter what the exact measurements are, because when you’re in your cups, you don’t need to worry about measuring cups. Seal it up and shake it every couple days, in a week you should have infused vodka.
“Next, you strain out the fruit and set it aside. I suggest using a coffee filter, it strains out all of the seeds and chunks left over and makes sure you’ve got nothing but your pure, infused vodka. What screwdriver is a screwdriver without orange juice, right? So get some OJ out of the fridge and pour yourself a glass, adding as much vodka in as you like. I prefer a 50/50 mix myself, it really brings out the infused flavor. Give it a little stir like so, and enjoy your not-so-ordinary screwdriver.
“Now, you have your drink, but where’s the meal, right? That’s where the fruit you set aside comes in. It’s like having breakfast at a health spa, only with a kick. You see, when you infuse something into vodka, the vodka and the something trade off. The fruit trades some of its flavor and the vodka trades some of its alcohol content. The result is a weaker vodka, but now you have fruity booze. It’s healthy, it gives you the essential vitamins you need to wake up (and get rid of your scurvy), and it gets you smiling in no time. With a half a container full, there’s no reason you can’t take some with you to work.