The McBournie Minute: Come on, folks, Train?

I’m a patient person. I try to stay out of a lot of conflicts, which is not easy in a town like Washington, D.C., or as the hip people call it “Man, this city really needs a cool nickname, like ‘The Big Apple,’ ‘The Big Easy’ or ‘Rice-a-roni Land.” When it comes to politics, I’m independent, but I do get irritated when people talk about “the real America.”

I hate when people say that, because, there is no “real America” there’s just America, and it’s as real as you’re going to find, except for Los Angeles, which, as I understand it, is all CGI. People believe different things, like different things, have different values, and at the end of the day, we call manage to find some sort of common ground to keep the neighborhood going for another day. We’re earnest, honest and hard-working, we’re not some tool to be used by the talking heads who can’t get themselves elected.

I also hate when people say “the real America” because real Americans suck.

This happens to me every holiday season. There, I am, looking back on the year, thinking about all the goods times, all the trials, all the steps I took that led me to my current location, then I read some crap like Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” is the most downloaded song of 2010.

Really, America? This was the song you just had to have on your iPod? I’m no music snob, but I can’t say I know a person who likes that song, or at least is willing to admit that they like the song. I will admit that for most of the year, I somehow managed to escape without hearing the song. Then one day I saw Train on the Today show, performing the song. My first thought was, “Train? Didn’t they do that ‘Drops of Jupiter’ song? What Ziploc container did they pull these guys from?” My next thought was, “Why are a bunch of white guys singing a song that involves the phrase “soul sister” in a decidedly non-soulful way?” My final thought was “OHMYGODJUSTGETTHISDAMNSONGOUTOFMYHEAD!”

On top of that, I read recently that Justin Bieber, who ripped off Tom Brady’s hairstyle, has four of the top 10 most-viewed videos on YouTube this year. Folks, do you realize that our enemies will use this kind of information against us? Mark my words, next year we’ll hear about an al Qaeda training camp where recruits are brainwashed into hating America by being forced to listen to Justin Bieber or Train for hours on end. Pretty soon, they want to martyr themselves just so they can get the Great Satan’s music out of their heads for five minutes.

Then today, I read that Wham’s “Last Christmas” has been newly crowned the most-downloaded Christmas song of all time. Granted, when it comes to downloads “of all time” literally means “of the past 12 years.” When it comes to Christmas songs for me, this one ranks second on the worst ever recorded list, edging out The Smashing Pumpkins’ “Christmastime,” but just under Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime.”

Why does real America like such bad music? Surely, “real Americans” must exist, because someone out there is buying and/ or voting for this stuff. They can’t just be allegorical, like “the good ol’ days.” These people are out there, you may know one. If you find out you associate with one of these people, it may be time to re-think some life choices. You could be hurting America by encouraging these people and making them feel normal.