A new study seems to show that adolescent drinking is linked to clothing with alcohol stuff on it. Naturally, all the the whistle-blowers and sobriety freaks are pointing to this and saying, “AHA! We have finally found the link to why our teenagers want to drink to excess like we did when we were that age!”
Folks, this is completely and utterly retarded. Kids don’t want to drink because of brand loyalty or hidden messages sent through advertising on trucker hats, they want to drink because it’s cool.
Seriously, how long ago was it that you were underage? Regardless of how long ago high school was for you, one thing is universal: coolness is the only thing that matters. You just want to be cool enough that people quit picking on you and that cute guy or girl will want to pay attention to you for a little while. Why is drinking cool? Why is having a sports car cool? They just are, especially at that age.
I’m 25 and I still think drinking is cool. Sure, it’s not the act of rebellion it once was, and I no longer drink the lower common denominator like I once did, but there is something inherently cool about having a glass in hand. It can be social and exciting, it can be private and relaxing. It can be an outlet at the end of a hard day and it can be just the thing you need when it’s time to celebrate.
It doesn’t matter your age, or your reason, drinking just makes you feel cool, even if, as in my case, you really aren’t, and by most historical accounts, never were. Why do people wear alcohol branded apparel? They like advertising. Face it, we all do. You have a Gucci bag or a Rolex watch because it’s a statement about you and what you value and what you think others should know about you.
So, drinking is cool to kids. How do we make it uncool? Well, the best way I can think of is for you, the parents, to get really wasted and get really wasted a lot. Let’s face it, everything you do is uncool in the eyes of a teenager. You want kids to stop drinking, you have to make staying home and studying on a Friday night the cool thing to do.
So go out and party. Live the wild life you always wanted. But remember, you’re doing it for the next generation.
I actually drink to keep other people’s kids off of demon rum.
To really hit the message home, I do this in high school parking lots.