The McBournie Minute: Extreme survival in D.C.

Hi, I’m Bryan McBournie, and I’m submitting this as my audition for a new reality show. It seems like survival shows are getting more and more popular these days, and really, for no good reason other than we want to see someone die.

Well, I am someone that several people may have wanted to die at some point. What’s more, I live a pretty extreme life, man. The words I put down here won’t really suffice the extreme-ness, it’s the sort of thing you need to see on camera, with my expert commentary.

Here’s an example of how I survive Washington, D.C.

Like so many other hard core, extreme survivalists out there, I am usually up before the sun–on weekdays, anyway. On weekends, I’m probably sleeping off a hangover (sometimes a mental escape is the only way to survive). I’m up and out the door by 6:15 a.m., and bravely walking to the Metro. I survive twists and turns of the train through subterranean tunnels, even diving under a river, all to get to my office by 7 a.m. Extremely early, brah!

Last week, I dealt with a survival situation, in which much of the East Coast was hit by an earthquake while I sat 11 stories up in my office building. The whole place was rocking, so I could tell it was an extreme situation. First thing I did was I asked my coworkers if they felt the shaking, too. Once I verified this, I went into extreme survival mode, standing up from my desk and saying a few expletives, before the building was evacuated.

Once outside, my survival instincts were in extreme gear. I knew that standing around directly underneath a building really isn’t any safer than being in the building itself when a quake hits, so I rallied up my coworkers for an early afternoon happy hour at the bar across the street. They didn’t go for it. I was extremely disappointed, man. Later on, I braved a two-hour Metro trip home, I was underground for at least one aftershock. Extreme!

But the challenges just kept coming. Hurricane Irene was making its way toward the D.C. area, and there was only one thing for an extreme survivalist like me to do: Get important supplies like bread, toilet paper and liquor. I also got some survival candles, in case the power went out. Some might say that because they are “summer breeze” scented candles, they aren’t really that extreme, but man, when you’re in a situation like that, you just wish you could smell the summer like that.

I assembled a survival crew, and we proceeded to have a extreme marathon of “Boardwalk Empire,” as the winds and rains came in. Sure, you could say that the wind and rain that hit the area was actually pretty weak, but it was a hurricane, man. You can’t call a hurricane anything but extreme.

After surviving all of that last week, I believe I am qualified to have my own show. I believe my approach to survival is unique, and if you’ll permit me, more extreme than anyone else. Also, booze is a major component of my strategy. You don’t see Bear Grylls getting hammered in the Badlands, do you? Maybe it’s time you did.

Extremely yours,

Bryan McBournie