The McBournie Minute: Go away, tourists

I’ve mentioned from time to time on SeriouslyGuys that I am a resident of the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. Yes, I live just outside of our nation’s capital, which means I can go downtown and look at big marble monuments you haven’t seen since sixth grade any time I want. I have the benefits of getting local news and national news basically happening in the same place.

Best of all, I can even tell someone where I live without them furrowing their brow and replying, “Where’s that?” (Eat it, Rick and Chugs!)

So in this first-ever afternoon edition of The McBournie Minute, I politely and respectfully ask all of you out there to stay the hell away from my town this month.

I know you want to come to D.C. and take in the sights this January. And why not? You have a long weekend coming up with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day on Jan. 19, and then why not take a day off and stay around for the inauguration Jan. 20? Because it makes you a gigantic douche, that’s why.

I get it, you want to be there when history is made because you a) want to see President-elect Barack Obama take office, b) want to see a black man become president, c) you want to see our current president go or d) you are ready for a good cry. But I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough. Even if you score tickets (and if you don’t have them by now, forget about it), you will be one of several million people (seriously) out there watching. You really think you will even get to see over the tall dude in front of you and get a glimpse of the action? You won’t. I’ve been there when there were only a few thousand people milling around, and that was chaotic enough. Stay home. It’s warm there, there’s a television with many channels offering multiple angles of the event and it won’t require a strip search to get in.

Still not enough for you? How about the fact that crowds are going to flood the area in the days before and after the inauguration? Think you’ll be able to move anywhere? Whole thoroughfares are being shut down that day, and believe it or not, people are still going to be trying to get to work. Why not just be a chum and stay home?

And finally, think about me. I don’t drive to work. I don’t really need to. Instead, I do the cheaper, greener thing and take the subway system known here as the Metro. They are currently forecasting two-hour delays on the Metro and plan to jack up the rates that day, which means not only will I be really, really late to work, traveling on a packed train, but I will be paying way more for it, too.

Picture me. Picture me crying. Now look at your recliner. Is it really worth the hassle?