The McBournie Minute: Halloween costume don’ts

Halloween is here, and the good news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means that you can go out in public wearing your costume on your way to a party and not get any more looks from strangers than usual. The bad news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means you have to rush home from work (this assumes you have a job), eat, then don your costume and hope to make it to your festivities on time. Basically, you’re not going to have much time for a super-involved getup.

In a situation like that, you pretty much have to half-ass a costume. You’re just not going to have time to get into really complicated costume and get your makeup on and everything. This is how a woman feels every day, the difference is you don’t have to shave your legs, too.

When you’re rushing, it’s easy to make some bad choices for costumes. Luckily, I’m here to help.

Many purists argue that too many people confuse Halloween for cosplay. Others like to sit back and judge your personality and flaws based on your costume character selection. Then, of course, there are the people who are just terrible human beings. Don’t be one of them. Here’s how.

Don’t be Ray Rice
On Saturday, Gawker and those other hand-wringing-news-blog-type sites will be publicly shaming those terrible people who dress as Ray Rice and think it’s clever. They may even sprinkle in some “What is wrong with our society in pictures” for good measure. I’m not saying a topic exists that is never funny, but Ray Rice knocked out his fiancee on camera earlier this year. It probably wasn’t the first or last time he hit her, either. He lost his job because the assault was on video. Maybe stay away from domestic abuse jokes this year, funny man. It’s doubly wrong if white people do it.

Don’t be another nationality
Blackface–if you’re thinking about doing it, you shouldn’t go out at all this year. White people, you’ve had it pretty good your entire lives. It’s a good idea to remember that other races exist, and they haven’t had the greatest time in American society. Did up the dead on Halloween, but don’t dig up the past. This also goes for pretty much every nationality costume sold in stores. I saw a “Mexican” one recently, complete with the poncho, hat and mustache. Yikes. Also, don’t do whiteface. No one likes a mime, and there are going to be 50 other Jokers at the party.

Don’t be the Joker
Ask yourself: What costume did you see multiples of last year? You probably saw them the year before that, didn’t you? Everyone wants to be Heath Ledger as the Joker, and they keep doing it because it’s just a purple suit, some makeup and some green hair dye. The Dark Knight came out six years ago. The Office made fun of how overdone it was in their Halloween episode that very same year. While we’re at it, ladies, don’t be Flo from Progressive. We know you have white clothing in your closet and blue aprons are pretty cheap, but here’s a secret: Flo is the worst thing in advertising today. We’re glad you didn’t get forced into dressing as a sexy fire hydrant this year, but no Flo. No one wants to bang her, anyway. There are countless other overdone costumes. Sit there and think about them for a second, then come up with something better.

Don’t be subtle
At every party, there’s at least one person who is dressed like … something. He or she has to spend the whole night explaining to everyone that they are supposed to be. They usually go for something too abstract, like people who try to be Ebola this year. Save yourself the hassle, or invest in a name tag.

If you avoid these pitfalls, there’s a decent chance you’ll do OK this year, or you’ll at least avoid being the biggest asshole at the party.