I was rather sad when I saw last week that Brad Pitt is giving out advice about stuff, like men’s room do (do)s and don’ts. I was sad for two reasons: Brad Pitt does not use public restrooms–ever, and I had planned something similar for this week’s topic. What the hell, I’ll do it anyway!
Hang up and aim
We’ve all heard the people who like to talk on/answer their phones while on the can. (Can you *grunt* hear me now?) It’s a fun prank to play, you can even do it at home. But really it’s kind of rude. However, there’s a new kind of rudeness in our nation’s men’s rooms: people who talk on their cell phones at the urinal.
I know that conversation about what you’re having for dinner, or the big deal your office is working on closing, can be, but it is not so urgent that it can’t wait the roughly 2 minutes until you’re done and out of the men’s room again. You ever ride a bus or train and someone nearby is talking on their cell phone? Just imagine that annoyance from the person standing next to you while you are trying to pass water.
Shut up and aim
On a related note, there’s really no need for speech of any kind in a men’s room, unless you’re backed up and need words of encouragement from your peers to get the job done. Talking is only acceptable if you and the other man are at the sinks AND you know each other. Do not try to strike up a conversation with someone you don’t know, it’s just weird.
More importantly, do not talk to someone while you, he, or both of you, are peeing. Some people need to concentrate, some people just want to escape the noise of the busy world for a few seconds of silence and release. This goes double for if you don’t know the person. Making conversation with your manly bits in hand with a friend or coworker is difficult enough, trying to figure out if the dude next to you is chatting you up so he can sneak a peek is so much worse.
Leave room for the Holy Ghost
Let’s say there are four urinals in a men’s room. For some reason, they are even numbered from right to left. You walk in, there is a dude at number 4. Where do you go? You go to number 1, of course. As a guy, you want to keep as much space between you and the nearest dude who also happens to be draining the monster. For some people, it may be a homophobic thing, I believe it is universal simply because people need their space. I don’t care if number 1 is the midget urinal and you’re 6’8″, you stay as far away as possible.
How about another scenario? There are guys at urinals 1, 2 and 4. Where do you go? If you said 3, you’re wrong. That’s when you find a stall or wait in line. Think about it the guys manning numbers 1 and 4 on the edges, so they can at most only have one person next to them, but if you step up to number 3, then you have guys on BOTH sides of you, as does the guy at number 2 (tee hee, I said “number 2”). People need space, and they can only be so polite and understanding about your bladder wall. Wait for them or head to a head. While you’re there, try not to pee on the seat. It’s like target practice.
Courtesy flush
Seriously, that thing smells horrible. What did you do to yourself?