The McBournie Minute: Here’s what you can get me, America

As the holidays creep closer, so does our impending economic doom. Last week we learned that the U.S. has been in a recession since December 2007 (surprise!), and we find more and more people are looking to save money this holiday season.

This is complete and utter crap.

I realize that the economy is the suck right now, some of my friends have even lost their jobs, but let’s not be so hasty and cancel Christmas. For one thing, it is important for you as a member of society to go out and spend money in the coming weeks, because our economy needs it. More importantly, if you know me, it is important you go out and spend money in the coming weeks on gifts for me, because the economy needs it. Spend as much as you like, America. I won’t mind. It’s just the typical selflessness I am known for. This time, I will just single-handedly save the economy.

Stuck on gift ideas for me? Here’s a quick list of stuff you can get me:

A helicopter
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “What would you possibly need a helicopter for? Are you even licensed to fly one?”

Of course I’m not licensed to fly a helicopter! But how else am I supposed to learn? Did you learn how to drive a car by studying all about it, passing a test and then hopping in for a spin? No. You had Dad ride shotgun as he took you tooling around the parking lot and then across town. Same thing here. The only way I can learn is by actually doing it.

I want one of these babies because they’re really cool, and they are way easier for getting around town than a conventional old automobile. I could cut my commute time in half, and if Grand Theft Auto is any indicator, you can park helicopters on top of any old building with a flat surface. For some reason, they are all structurally sound enough to hold an additional ton or two on the roof. I’m not picky, but I’d like something like this or this.

A high-definition television
I’m not dumb enough to shell out over a grand for television that only looks special when I play video games, but maybe you are. I’m counting on it.

Sure, there are only a handful of high-def channels available in my area, which is probably the same for everywhere in the country, and with the pace of technology moving as quickly as it is, the big box will be outdated in a matter of months, but it’s really cool. Like, you can see the blades of grass and everything when you’re watching football (before you blur your sight with beer).

Getting one of these bad boys would be really cool, because I could, like, hang it over my fireplace, roughly four feet above the ground, which would make it really comfortable for watching shows and standing up at the same time. Even better, I could use it for that hour of television I watch each week. It’s totally worth it.

A new tie
I’m not joking on this one. I went to a wedding on Friday and found that my tie was kind of broken. You know the tag thing that holds the little end underneath the big end? That had become un-sewn on one end, rendering it completely useless. Luckily, my girlfriend’s grandmother had a safety pin (because senior citizens collect those things) and saved the day. Nevertheless, I can’t go around wearing it really anymore. So America–I need a new light blue and light green tie.

Also, I may have spilled some gravy on it at the wedding reception.