I’m a big fan of Sarah Palin. In fact, I’m probably one of the few people south of Manitoba who knew who she was before John McCain chose her as his running mate. She’s perky, she’s smarmy and she’s a snappy dresser. She has a way of looking down at you through her glasses while she tells you you’re stupid and hate the troops because you dared ask her a question.
As dames go, she’s an alright broad. In fact, I’d like to say that she’s my friend, only she hasn’t accepted the request on Facebook. Still, I get to follow her by her fan page. That’s how I happened upon her most recent editorial against the health care bill that was shoehorned through the U.S. House of Representatives recently.
Set aside your “socialism” claims and concern for the future of the American health care system as we know it, the death panels are back–at least according to Palin. So since I can’t ask her directly, I’ll ask her here: how do I get on one of these death panels?
Let’s face it, the one thing standing in the way of my true happiness is everyone else in this country. I compete with countless others for a spot on the road, I jockey with peers for recognition in the office and I have to wait in line behind these bastards when the new Twilight movie comes out. If there weren’t as many people around, the world would be a better place.
Think about it: How do we cut welfare costs? How do we fight bureaucratic bloat? How do we make our voices heard to our leaders without being drowned out the sea of the masses? Kill the bastards. You can apply this to just about any field you want.
So how do we start weeding out the American population? I’d like to start at Wal-Mart, but that’s just my personal preference, and it is probably unconstitutional. So, we need to go after the people who simply refuse to let old age take them down. The elderly are the worst offenders, because not only do they sit comfortably on a throne made of our tax dollars, but they are responsible for increasing the American population, which has lead to many, many problems today, like climate change and the Jonas Brothers.
We also need to go after the reality television “stars” who make a living being douches and setting a horrible example for society as a whole. I don’t watch these shows, but I see enough on E!’s The Soup (snicker here) to be fully convinced that if I am not living in a world where my friends and I form alliances and have emotional testimonials, then my life is simply not real.
We should even make this into a reality show itself. I can see it now “Death Panel. Tonight at 8 on FOX, will the panel love New York? And will the Real Housewives ever make it home again? Then, at 9, it’s Celebrity Death Panel.”
So, Palin, I respectfully ask you to tell me where I can find the death panel language in the House bill, and if you can, offer any tips on how I can be nominated. I realize you are against this bill, but as a fiscal conservative, I think you should reconsider. Besides, since when does being a maverick mean you agree with just about every Republican in Congress?