The McBournie Minute: How to tweet

As I am sure I don’t have to tell you, Twitter is five years old today. And it seems like only yesterday we were wondering just what exactly a hashtag was. Seriously, it’s been five years. I would say I have known about Twitter’s existence for about three years. Regardless, it’s known to the whole world now.

But the problem is that a lot of people don’t really understand what Twitter is. They sign on, and usually their first tweet is “I have no idea what this thing is.” Well, this is a guide for all you Twitter n00bs out there. It’s time to get with 2006 and try out the Twitters.

The first step, of course, would to sign up for an account.

Once you get your account set up and everything, it’s time to find some people to follow. First, find your friends, then see if there are any celebrities you might be interested in following. Some people set up their accounts only so they can follow people, and not update things on their own. This is totally fine, there is a lot of yammering on Twitter as it is. But if you want to tell the world what’s on your mind, here’s how:

Accept the fact that nobody cares. It’s true. The average person does not give a damn what you are making for dinner, or how you feel about Mondays. To the follower, this is uninteresting and just clogs up their feed. Not even your own family will follow you on Twitter if that’s all you do. So, if you tweet something, bring your “A” game. The best way to do this is to ask yourself, “Would I want to read this if I wasn’t me?” Sure, it’s an awkwardly-worded question, but if you ask it before you hit send, it could help. It would also seriously de-clutter my feed.

If you can’t say something interesting, say something snarky. Let’s face it, no one’s really following you to hear about your thoughts on the War on Terrorism, unless you’re a pundit or something. Want to either see something new, learn something cool, or laugh. For example, when tweeting, “I think my roommate is pooping” is not very interesting. “I think my roommate is pooping, so I’m going to pound on the door and say the place is on fire” is waaaaay more fun.

Unless it’s an emergency, avoid sound like a 12-year-old girl. I’m not saying don’t be whiny/crazy, but that’s good advice, too. I’m saying avoid using “2” instead of “to/too/two.” You should not be using U, R, 8, etc. unless you are letting people know who brought them today’s episode, or you are out of room and have eliminated all adjectives. Paradoxically, certain abbreviations like “STFU,” “WTF” and “FML” are acceptable, but only because they are Internet memes.

In summation, you may not understand what Twitter is right off the bat. In fact, it may take a long time for you to figure out what it is and how to use it. But don’t worry, the people that own Twitter still haven’t figured out how to make money off of it.

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