The McBournie Minute: ‘I see the moon, the moon sees me’

For the most part, space really hasn’t been that exciting in a long time. Sure, there has been some attention paid when a new rover lands on Mars, or there is a tragedy, or we send John Glenn up into orbit again. But really, we just don’t care about space the way we did in the 1950s and 1960s.

That is until recently.

NASA brought us into yet another interstellar war last Friday morning when it bombed the moon. They “claim” it was to see if the debris kicked up by the impact could prove that the moon was, in fact, made of cheese, but the Internet knows better. It always does. That is why we live in the Porn Information Age. The age of citizen journalism. The age when you don’t need any fancy pants “credibility” or “evidence” to support your claims. Bearing this in mind, here is what really happened to the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter.

Let’s face it, the moon’s been asking for it for years. All it does is hang up there. Sometimes it’s full, sometimes it’s not. Meanwhile, we are all down here staring up at the damn thing and wondering how we can wipe that stupid grin off of its face.

The more of us there are on this planet, the heavier the Earth weighs. The more the Earth weighs, the greater its mass. The greater its mass, the heavier the gravitational pull. This means that we are on our way to pulling the moon in. The moon will one day crash into us and destroy us all. Hell, there are even scientists who say the moon could be part of the asteroid that killed the dinosuars.

If it killed off life here once, what’s going to stop it from doing it again?

Every major power on Earth knows that the biggest single threat to the globe is not terrorism, is not nuclear holocaust, is not Al Gore, no, it’s the god damn moon. Ever see Deep Impact? That’s the 1997 asteroid movie where we DON’T win. Morgan Freeman is the president. Think about it. LCROSS launched in June, a few months after Barack Obama took office. Is he going to let America think that a black president will really let the world be blown into oblivion on his watch? Hell no!

As soon as he took office, he put LCROSS on the fast track to countdown. He wanted that thing up there as soon as possible to send the moon a message. Once it orbited for a couple months, the moon got the hint that we were watching it. Then it was time to drive the point home. Bomb time.

We didn’t need to set off a nuke or anything. After all, we still need the moon for the tides–at the moment. But LCROSS’ bombing was like a slap in the face of the Man in the Moon. “You’re getting out of line, and brother, we will not hesitate to blow you straight to Venus.” He got the message.

Months ago, NASA set up a Web page where you could sign your name and have it be carried on a disc to the moon on LCROSS. I saw this coming the whole time. I knew the moon had to be attacked, and damn it, I wanted the moon to know I thought so. That’s why I sent my name up there.

We’ve been taught to accept the conventional. We’ve been taught to worship the natural. We have been conditioned into thinking that we are safe. We’re not. But don’t worry me an’ some of my buddies at NASA will make sure the moon won’t get you tonight.

2 thoughts on “The McBournie Minute: ‘I see the moon, the moon sees me’”

  1. HaHaHa!

    Damn. Forgot I put my name on that disc, too.

    All funny business aside.

    “The greater its mass, the heavier the gravitational pull. This means that we are on our way to pulling the moon in.”

    Sadly, those folks in the stylish lab coats have determined that the moon swings farther away from us with each rotation. One day, she will drift away from us. Which is why my theory is that we’re Mickey Hughes and The Moon’s Francine Hughes. The day she leaves us, that BED will BURN.

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