The McBournie Minute: In which I save the federal budget

For the most part, we here at SG try to stay as apolitical as possible, except for Rick Snee, who is in fact considering a run for the White House later this year. I live in the Washington, D.C. area, so I get politics crammed down my throat enough as it is.

But every now and then I feel the need to get on my soap box and let my thoughtful, well-reasoned opinions be heard. In case your neighborhood Tea Partier hasn’t told you, the government is spending a lot of money and that needs to stop. Tea Partiers are fine with the government shutting down, as long as they still get their Social Security checks, but everyone else thinks a shutdown is a bad idea.

So I have once again lent my services to the U.S., and found us ways to save money.

First off, we need to de-fund Donald Trump’s hair. Say what you will about the man, his pandering to birthers or even his ability to run businesses into the ground, I have it on good authority that his hair receives federal funding through the Endangered Species Act, because some bureaucrat determined his hair piece is actually a threatened type of gopher. This, I am reasonably certain, is why that elitist show Celebrity Apprentice still turns a profit.

We need a federal swear jar. It may not work for everyone, but I think we can at least do a test program on Vice President Joe Biden, the man, despite being totally sober, seems to drop the F-bomb from time to time, and I think it’s time the American people profited from it. We can then take it over to Congress. There are 100 senators and 435 representatives in the House, plus six non-voting members. I’m sure not all of them are that bad, but that’s well over 500 politicians in one building, some of them must swear like sailors. With a fine of $1 billion per swear, I think we could pay off the deficit in less than 10 years.

We need to hire Marc Cohn–yeah, that singer guy. We spend billions every year on Homeland Security, which is good, because they keep the homeland secure, and have reportedly kept out over 350 people with suspected terrorist ties from entering the country since the end of 2009. But in1991, singer-songwriter and psychic Cohn tried to warn us about the TSA’s requirement that Americans must remove their shoes when passing through security, all in the opening lines of his hit “Walking in Memphis.” “Put on my blue suede shoes/and I boarded the plane.” My god, the man was a visionary. Imagine what he could tell us about our homeland security issues now, through the majesty of song! If we had him in charge, we could save so much money.