The McBournie Minute: iPhones kind of suck

I’m going to come right out and say it: I don’t own an iPhone. I know, I know, it’s shocking. I get that reaction a lot. But it’s true. In fact, I really don’t care to buy an iPhone right now, because they are way more than I, or pretty much anyone else, ever needs in a communication device (though they will never tell you that) and in a recession, they are rapidly turning into a symbol of poor planning.

I look at the iPhone much the may I looked at fraternities when I was in college. They cost a lot, they don’t deliver what they promise and really, you just want to be seen with one. In college, I decided it was much easier if I drank when I wanted to where I wanted to, without having to memorize some group’s history or do anything remotely good for the community.

Plus, AT&T hazes you with big fees. Bryan McBournie elephant walks for no cell phone carrier.

You may be surprised that I could be so daring as to insult the JesusPhone. (It can hear you! Do not mock the iPhone!) But really, let’s stop looking at it in the golden light Apple puts it in. What on the iPhone is a must-have and what is really just a nice-to-have? Pretty much everything on it is just a frill you’re going to use once.

Take MP3s for example. Awesome, your phone plays MP3s. Even better, if you listen to your songs most of the day, your cell phone ends up low on battery power when you get home from work. Wooooo! Yes, you can also watch movies on your phone, but that’s only if you can mind where you are walking and deal with the feeling of everyone looking over your shoulder to see what you are watching. Fun! My phone has these capabilities, I don’t use them. I have an iPod Video that’s been working just fine for me for nearly four years, and all I use it for is MP3s.

But wait! It has the Internet! Guess what? Safari sucks. It has since the day it was introduced. Somehow Apple came up with a worse browser than Microsoft. That takes some effort. Oooh, look! It’s the Web, mobile, but not the mobile web! It’s got speed on this 3G network AT&T says they are upgrading but actually haven’t yet. The download times bring me back to my 56K modem. I miss 1998.

My phone has Internet, too. It’s the mobile version, so it’s lighter. If offers less, but it opens really fast. I use it on occasion to check my email, Facebook, and the latest news. And even then, I only use it when I’m away from the computers I sit at all day at work or close to at home.

It’s got games! Great. Most phones have something. I don’t play any games though. I prefer to read–not on a Kindle, one of those old-timey books, actually.

It’s got apps! There are thousands of apps (yes, I know games are apps) available for download–for a price. And I am sure a small handful of them do something that can be useful from time to time. Unfortunately, they are lost in a sea of pointless apps you will probably stop using in less than a month.

Yes, I am sure you really need to see on a map where all of your friends are, in case they want to meet up and do something. Only thing is they have to have an iPhone and they have to have the same geo-tracking app as you do. FAIL. Try calling them, it’s easier.

I know you need to over share every moment of your life on Twitter, but you don’t need the app. Why don’t you just send your updates by text message. You’re paying for those anyway, remember?

Yes, I am sure there are all kinds of practical applications for that level app you have, and I know you can’t just turn on your iPhone in a dark room and use the regular screen to light your way–the flashlight app is a must as well. Hell, you also really need app that edits pictures on your iPhone, because it’s just too darn long of a wait to get it to the computer!

It’s the in thing, it’s trendy. It’s remotely useful at best. You want it because other people have it and the commercials have cool songs. You don’t even need it to play your MP3s because you still use your old iPod for that. It’s a steaming waste of money you’re addicted to and little else. Just admit it.

Don’t try telling yourself it’s to use for work. Offices make people get a Blackberry.