The McBournie Minute: It wasn’t Josh’s fault

As my dedicated readership well knows, if there is one thing I pride myself on, it is being a straight-up journalist. I am so certain of this conviction that I make it my life even outside of work. I am speaking, of course, about my addiction to Entertainment Tonight and like shows. Let’s face it, if it’s not on E!, I’m not aware of its existence.

This life I lead has brought me in contact with numerous famous people I now call my friends. So I was shocked to hear that my good friend Josh Duhamel, arguably the most famous person to come out of Minot, North Dakota, ran into some problems while waiting for his plane to take off last weekend. You know how it is–those nagging flight attendants insist on having you turn off your phone because of some alleged “FAA rules.”

Unsurprisingly, Josh has been getting a raw deal. So I offered him space here to set the record straight. Josh, take it away.

Dear Adoring Fans,

Hi, I’m Josh Duhamel, you may remember me from the Transformers movies, or even All My Children. Some of you may also know that I am married to Fergie. In fact, I can tell you this is entirely her fault.

You see, everyone thinks it’s some picnic being married to The Dutchess herself, but it isn’t. Do you have any idea how much false encouragement I have to give her, to reassure her of her talents? You can thank me for talking her out of doing another solo album, you’re welcome, world. Gavin Rossdale, you might want to take a hint here, buddy.

Let’s face it, she’s trainwreck without my constant support, and I’m not very good at lying. Sure, I’m an actor, but I try to be an honest person, I am from Minot, after all. You may be asking what any of this has to do with me refusing to turn off my cell phone at La Guardia before a flight to Kentucky. Well, I just don’t care anymore, America. My life is a sham.

Fergie-ferg has sapped my will to live. I no longer care about the quality of my work. I mean, come on, did you see the last Transformers? Spoiler alert: The third installment is going to make Revenge of the Fallen look like Citizen Kane, and quite honestly, I couldn’t give a Beth Cooper about it. I’m going to make tons of money off of it and blow it all on self-medication and horses.

I keep getting asked who I was talking to. Well you know what? It’s none of your business who I was texting. It may have been Bumblebee, I’m not really sure, to be honest. That whole day is kind of a quaalude-fueled haze.

Remember quaaludes? I’m bringing them back,

Josh Duhamel