Thanksgiving has come and gone and left behind the traditional amount of deaths and injuries in its wake. We all know that it’s nice to go home for the holidays, but really, isn’t the true American holiday tradition that of finding new ways to hurt ourselves.
I’m not talking about family arguments and hurt feelings, I’m talking about injuries both turkey-related and non-turkey-related.
Perhaps the biggest domestic story of the Thanksgiving break was the traditional late-NFL season Wound From a Deadly Weapon (WFDW). New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, a poster child for why our heroes suck, was shot at a night club. It was only found out later that the person who shot Burress was Burress. Not only can this man catch anything thrown at him, he can even catch a bullet. He currently leads his team in WFDWs, but the Cincinnati Bengals league the league overall.
For time’s sake, I’m not going to get into how stupid it is for a guy getting a 32nd chance to screw it up by bringing a firearm to a crowded place that probably doesn’t like guns on its premises. I won’t even get into the fact that I am glad to see the guy who caught the winning touchdown of last year’s Super Bowl take himself out in such a spectacular fashion. No, I am above that. Instead, I will name him as the leader of the generation oddly-named players who dominate the NFL this decade (Randle El, Polamalu, Cadillac, Peyton, Elisha, Bruschi, Roethlisberger and Tom were runners-up).
On a more serious note, another Thanksgiving tradition is the Black Friday sale-athon. Here, the early birds fight to be first to take advantages on great deals of just about everything, all while punching, kicking and trampling anyone who stands in their way, in an effort to save $20.
A New York Wal-Mart gleefully watched as crowds gathered outside its doors, eagerly waiting for it to open. Because, you know, prices are normally prohibitively high at Wal-Marts across the country. The crowd was so eager to get through the door that trampled one 34-year old worker who opened the door for them. Yes, he is dead. Because people wanted to save money on cheap electronics and underwear.
While this got the public’s attention, we all know it was just one of thousands of injuries caused across the nation by stampeding consumers turned linebackers. Folks, everyone hates those greeters at Wal-Mart and their awkward attempts at conversation, but remember: aim for the old ones, they have less to live for.