The McBournie Minute: Man watching ‘Watchmen’ checks watch

Once again, fanboys, you have hyped the crap out of a movie and thus ruined it for me. I finally got to see Watchmen over the weekend. I’m not going to point fingers, but fans of the “novel” played it up to be the second coming. I was thoroughly entertained, even though the movie was slow as hell. That being said, it’s still just a comic book movie, and those can only be so good. I would rank this one somewhere between Iron Man and Daredevil. (It’s good for what it is, but it’s nothing transcendent.)

My main problem with the movie is that there is very little explained. Yes, fanboys, I know–that’s the point. But you know what? I’m not going back to spend another $20 and nearly three hours of my life to try to figure out some of the glaring plot holes.

Without giving away any of the plot points, let’s take a look at some of the issues I have.

It takes place in 1985 or something, yet no one makes a reference to either Back to the Future or Ghostbusters, this is a travesty. It’s in an alternative 1985 (probably the one we see in Back to the Future Part II), in this one Richard Nixon (Biff Tannen) is the president–still. For some unclear reasons we find out in the opening credits, America is very, very different. The good news: we won in Vietnam, better yet, hippies get shot. The bad news: so do Woodward and Bernstein. This proves that the evil media saves America.

Anyway, for some reason, the USSR is really powerful in this alternate world, not the crumbling, bankrupt nation it actually was. Somehow, Nixon circumvented term limits, (huh?) and Kissinger is still in his cabinet. In 1940, some superheroes, whose origins and powers are never explained, form a team and fight crime. Somewhere along the way, a new team (don’t worry, there are no explanations on them, either) takes over, only they end up being disliked because the NYPD is on strike in the late 70s. (Again, huh?) Like anyone, the heroes have been on their jobs too long and no longer care about the quality of work they do. Nixon makes being a super hero illegal, and they all resume their regular lives, which are actually a little melodramatic until 1985, when someone’s killing them off. Meanwhile, the world is on the brink of nuclear war, because, um, the Russkies invaded Afghanistan.

The heroes try to work out their problems through long, dull conversations, except for Rorschach, who is really the only character who seems to know it’s an action flick. (He’s the one with the unexplained swirly mask.) He does a lot of cool Sin City-style talking to himself, as he keeps a journal, and really holds up the movie for a good couple hours.

Perhaps that is my problem. Maybe I’m looking for another Sin City when I should be happy with the cool retro stuff on the screen. Maybe I’m tired of the whodunnit always being the guy you least suspect, and therefor, expect. Maybe this just doesn’t translate for those who didn’t read the comic book. Maybe I went in expecting too much. Or maybe it was a decent movie, but not one with the sense of timing and innovation we were told to expect. Then again, it’s all just a big joke, right? Mother, forgive me.

Here’s where the fanboys tell me I’m wrong.