I had planned on writing something along the lines of how tired I am already of hearing about what President Barack Obama ate for breakfast and what color underwear Michelle Obama is wearing, but then I found this bit of news: Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich thought about appointing Oprah Winfrey to the U.S. Senate. Let me repeat that.
Blagojevich thought about appointing Oprah to the U.S. Senate–in real life.
For some unknown reason, Blagojevich is touring the television circuit like he’s not sure he and the squirrel living on top of his head will ever get to see another camera again. I can’t imagine why he or his friendly woodland creature would think a thing like that.
But let’s get back to the Oprah thing. Since 1986, she has made us a kinder, more passionate and understanding society–at least those of us who don’t have jobs and can watch television at 4 p.m. everyday. For decades she has made the post-soap opera time slot one that will make you cry real tears because you just don’t realize how insensitive you are until Oprah tells you, and made us laugh because she’s so insanely rich that she gives people cars now and then.
She’s got a show, she’s got a magazine, she’s got books, she has a Web site, she has a satellite radio show and she has mercifully had only one movie. She makes $385 million a year. She unleashed Doctor Phil on the male race. She may have been lezzing out for a while, but she’s in a healthy, boring, implausible relationship with a man she will never marry. Best of all, she’s gained and lost enough tonnage to sink the Queen Mary 2. She is easily the most powerful woman this side of Tigris. If you annoy her in any way, you will come on her show and repent, or she will end you.
Oprah stands for everything nearly every woman wants to be. And folks, that is why she would have been a terrible choice for President Barack Obama’s vacated senate seat. She’s talk and little more. She’s been extravagantly rich for so long she has no idea what the average American is about. She is also major friggin’ ball buster. The only positive side would be C-SPAN’s ratings would skyrocket every afternoon.
A tiny little federal corruption investigation just may have saved America. It’s hard to believe, but he probably would have nominated Oprah if the FBI had not taped him, the feds say, offering Obama’s seat to the highest bidder. He had a gold chip given to him and he f$#&ing wasn’t f@*%ing giving it up for just f#%@ing anything. No, he wanted cash. He wanted someone with, say, hundreds of millions in disposable income and an unquenchable self-absorbed thirst for power. He would have nominated himself, but he doesn’t have enough money to pay himself off.
That one federal probe shined the spotlight on the whole sordid scene, and luckily kept him from nominating Oprah. This has to be the greatest moment of the 21st century.
Wow, the government works sometimes.
Side note: the iPhone has already learned how to properly spell SeriouslyGuys.