We’re one day away from the election, and it’s nearly over. We’ve been targeted, pandered to, and had some of our annoying friends even post their own opinions in caps lock. Feeling the voter burnout? If you don’t live in a swing state, you have nothing to complain about. Here in Virginia, ads in TV, radio and print have been assaulting us at literally every single turn. So that’s why I’m not going to talk about the election today.
Instead, I’m here to talk to you about one of the worst threats our country, indeed, our very livelihoods, face today: whales. Sure, they have inspired some pretty good books, but they have also inspired some pretty crappy movies, too. But it gets worse, these huge hulks are dying, and then allowing themselves to drift onto our beaches and into our harbors, creating a smelly mess, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
We’ll get into a deeper discussion of this after this commercial break.
Barack Obama promised us that he would turn around the economy by now. But what happened? Unemployment rates are still high and your uncle in the military came out of the closet. That doesn’t sound like progress, that sounds like the broken socialist from a disappointing president. We’re not saying he’s a socialist, but haven’t you heard that word used enough in the past year to just associate it with him? America can’t take four more years of failure. Vote Mitt Romney. AmericanForkInTheRoad is responsible for the content of this ad.
As I was saying, whales are washing up on shore like hotcakes … if hotcakes washed up on shore and weighed a few tons. Recently, two whales washed up on a New Zealand shore, they were so rare that science wasn’t even sure that their species actually existed. Another whale beached itself in England last month, and who even knew they had whales over there? Researchers found that the whale carried a deadly bacteria, so now these things are trying to kill us through —
Woman: “Honey, that news story just came on. Mitt Romney endorsed a senatorial candidate who said he opposes abortion even in the case of rape because it’s God’s will.”
Man: “That’s –“
Woman: “Exactly! And Romney has said he’d happily sign a bill banning abortion and anyone named Roe V. Wade. Paul Ryan said he believes people who have abortions should face the firing squad.”
Man: “Wait, there’s no way Ryan said –“
Woman: “I know! These guys are straight out of the 1950s, with a hint of a totalitarian state in there, too. America can’t afford to turn back on the social progress we’ve made.”
The League of Single-Issue Women Voters is responsible for the content of this ad.
Recently, a dead whale entered Boston harbor, a major East Coast port. There wasn’t anything that could be done by the huge ships coming and going, aside from steering away for the dead whale. The bloated carcass was likely a floating bomb, because as it decayed, gasses probably built up inside, but luckily no one threw a match into the blowhole, or it could have gotten —
Maryland voters, vote yes on Question 7. It would allow the state to rake in millions in fees by allowing a casino to be built just outside of D.C. This way, rather than allowing addicts of gambling and drinking (or both) to take their money to Pennsylvania and West Virginia to ruin their lives, we keep those degenerates, and the organized crime they attract, right here in Maryland. If you’re not even a resident of Maryland, too bad. You’re going to hear an ad arguing against Question 7 in about 60 second. The Five Families of Maryland is responsible for the content of this ad.
And of course there was NOC, a juvenile beluga what learned to mimic the pitch and sound of human voices. According to a report, the whale’s mimicry was so convincing that one of NOC’s handlers came up to the surface asking who was talking to him while he was underwater. It gets more interesting, but I need to cut this short before any more ads find their way in here.