Attention young millionaires: You think you have it all, or at least have it ordered online for you. You’re wrong. There’s more out there for you to acquire. Science has created something that will surely outdo all of your other rich friends. Here’s a hint: it used to be a rat.
Still stumped, huh? Here’s another hint: it swims. Still nothing? OK, I’ll tell you. It’s a jellyfish made from the cells of a rat, and it’s exactly the kind of a pet you need. It’s technically not a jellyfish, it’s an artificial jellyfish, made from silicone and the muscle cells of a rat’s heart by researchers at Harvard University.
Yes, we’re now using animals to make other animals.
The artificial jellyfish, or medusoid, is shaped like a flower, more specifically, one of those flower-power stickers your hippie parents had on their first cars. When the medusoid is put in an electric field in water, it swims on its own, pulsing like a real jellyfish, you know, the kinds that can ruin your beach trip.
Does it really have to be stated why this is such terrible news? Apparently, because science just doesn’t get it yet.
Perhaps Mary Shelley was right
For over a century now, we’ve been increasingly concerned about mankind’s ability to make bigger and bigger machines that can one damn end us. From nuclear weapons to robot intelligence, we saw that the end of humanity was within our grasp. It’s too bad we were looking at the wrong hand. All this time, science has been quietly plugging away at creating life from like. In this case, taking parts of a pest and turning it into something even less useful, just to see if we could. What’s to stop them from continuing their work?
Life as a Syfy movie
If cinematic classics like Sharktopus are any indication, if we leave science unchecked, eventually the federal government will start funding its work as long as it comes up with new ways to kill America’s enemies. It’s only a matter of time before we have a real-life sharktopus to worry about, and we all know that they will one day turn on us. By then, it’s all over.
Cosmetic surgery
Many people have dreamed up flying. If this research is allowed to continue, there may be a medicinal way of making this happen–without involving peyote. It’s conceivable that we will one day be able to have wings attached to our backs, allowing us to fly like the things our planes try to avoid hitting on takeoff. What some huge fan of Kevin Costner wants to gave gills? Human monsters are always possible.
There are some out there who would say that I’m being paranoid about this. That my arguments are completely implausible. Them them I say, science has already replaced your brain with that of a goldfish.