Before I begin, there are days when making fun of the news really sucks. Every now and then, something happens that just wipes everything else aside for a while, because people suddenly remember what really matters. And there are times when people just don’t feel like laughing. I know, because my first-ever column was published on Sept. 12, 2001.
Conversely, there are times when something so good happens that one does not dare to cheapen it by making light of it while the news still settles in. America got some great news last night, and while we may cover it tangentially, it’s just in bad taste to touch it right now. So bear with us, bear with me, here, for a bit while we try to act like there is more than one story out there at the moment.
So now, I present to you my theory on why President Martin Van Buren (1782-1862) was not a natural born U.S. citizen.
As we all know by now, President Barack Obama released his long form birth certificate to disprove the so-called “birthers,” led by the recent cries from Donald Trump, the embodiment of the Republican party. Smugly, Trump said he won by getting Obama to show his papers, but he still doubts that the the founding fathers intended for the son of an immigrant to become president of the United States of America, because you know, that’s not what we’re all about.
Aside from the fact that our first seven presidents technically weren’t born in the U.S., because there was no U.S. at that point, Trump has a point in there somewhere. Let’s take up the case of Van Buren, our 8th president, and the first one born when there was actually a U.S. in existence. Unfortunately, he was also the first president not coming from English roots.
Van Buren was born to Dutch Americans on the floor of his father’s tavern on Dec. 5, 1782, in Kinderhook, N.Y., that is, if you believe what you read. “History” claims that his family had been in North America since the 1630s, but I think we all know better than that by now. Van Buren grew up speaking Dutch, he is, in fact, the only president ever elected whose native language was not English (unless you count President Theodore Roosevelt, who somehow made it through life only using the word “Bully”).
I ask you, America, what kind of an American lives here but learns English as a second language? That’s right, an immigrant! So if Van Buren was raised speaking Dutch by his Dutch-speaking parents, he himself, must be–an immigrant!
Just like Obama, who is also not of English decent, believe it or not, Van Buren had trouble producing his birth certificate. Oh, I’m sorry! You were too busy being born on a barroom floor and birth certificates didn’t exist back then! Tough cookies, if you can’t show us proof, we can’t take your word for it.
Another parallel between Obama and Van Buren is that the Dutchman was in office during the Panic of 1837, one of the worst economic challenges of his time. They branded him “Martin Van Ruin” because of the poor economy. Sure, opponents like to say that the Bush/Jackson administrations were to blame for the messes that the Obama/Van Buren administrations had to clean up, but I ask you this, ladies and gentlemen: Would an American citizen allow an economic crisis to happen during his administration. I think you already know the answer, America.
I’m not saying Van Buren wasn’t an American citizen, ladies and gentlemen, but why am I the only one asking these questions? Why am I the only one who can cut through the garbage? I’m just saying, think about it.
Hey Mr Editor- unless we are all getting naked together (and who wants to see that!) it’s “bear” with me, not “bare” with me. It is too hard to bear the burden of correct spelling by myself. Otherwise a good article. I have long pondered the citizenship of Van Buren.