It’s June, which means the summer movie season has been churning for a good six weeks now. Kidding! It’s only been three or so, even though summer hasn’t really even begun yet. With this ever-expanding summer movie season, it seems like studios are somehow able to release more films than ever, so it’s hard to keep track of them all. That’s why I devised a new system: figure out what movies are about purely based on their titles.
This is a technique I developed recently. My friend Graham, who is a reporter in a small North Carolina town, has been covering the shooting of The Hunger Games, which is being shot in said town. Apparently, this is a big deal, because he has all sorts of updates. For example, if you want to know what sort of spider is skittering by as he camps outside the closed set, he’ll tell you. Unfortunately, neither Graham nor I have any idea what the movie, or the book it is based off of, is about. Luckily, based on the title, I determined that it is about the first-ever Olympics only for people with eating disorders. And you can bet I’ll be seeing it when it comes out.
Now, on to some of this summer’s surefire winners!
May:
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides: Believe it or not, the average day at sea for a sailor in the 17th and 18th centuries was really quite boring. However, when you’ve got a bunch of dudes on a ship for an extended period of time with lots of rum, things get a little freaky. Not for the kids.
The Hangover Part II: The Wolf Pack is back, and somehow they manage to do the exact same stuff as they did the last time they had a bachelor party. If only they had eaten a better pre-bender meal this all could have been avoided.
Kung Fu Panda: The Kaboom of Doom: Probably what the Wolf Pack calls their hangover dumps.
June:
X-Men: First Class: Remember that cool jet the X-Men have? Dude, just imagine if the seats were bigger, and they served you champagne before you even took off. Imagine no longer, friends. It’s here.
Bad Teacher: The first movie in a series coming out this summer about people who are bad at their jobs (and check out Horrible Bosses in July!). Alternately, this is one for every 12-year-old who had the hots for his English teacher.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Thanks, James Franco, you’ve killed us all. You maniac.
July:
Transformers: Dark of the Moon: Yeah, I’m getting sick of sequels with colons in the title, too, but the guys from Pink Floyd give the Transformers franchise a much-needed reboot in this one.
Captain America: The First Avenger: The timeless superhero ends his 20-year sabbatical from the big screen in yet another Marvel movie. As it turns out, steroids have some benefits–like the ability to kick Nazi ass.
Cowboys & Aliens: Director Jon Favreau teams up with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford in this piece of revisionist history.
August:
30 Minutes of Less: Your best bet for stoner comedy this summer. Remember a few years ago when that pizza guy was kidnapped, strapped to a bomb and forced to rob banks, only to be blow up afterward? Who doesn’t smell comedic gold in that one?
Conan the Barbarian: The year is 2010, and noted late night comedy show host Conan O’Brien is dealing with a very public dethroning from The Tonight Show and NBC, his employer for two decades. This turns O’Brien’s Irish heart cold. Now he lives only to crush his enemies, see them driven before him and hear the lamentation of their women.
Mr. Popper’s Penguins: This one’s for people who liked Zoo, let’s just leave it at that.