We got tired of worrying about Iraq, mostly because it was messy and a lot of people just got tired of the protesters screaming about this and that all the time. Luckily, we got to jump on the green bandwagon, so we could worry about global warming/climate change instead. This was especially fun during the election season, because it enabled us to see where the candidates stood on an issue that they can do very little to affect in the first place.
But let’s face it, thinking about the world ending, Asian countries ceasing to exist, crops ruined, lack of oxygen, the increase of stronger hurricanes, snow in Las Vegas, heat waves in April, etc. can get downright depressing. It’s enough to make you want to go out and drive around with the air conditioning cranked until you can finally clear your head. Once again, we were provided with a new topic to scream about: the economy. Turns out we were in a recession for a year and never knew it. Cue the layoffs, bailouts and general concern about how people will be able to pay for their iPhone plans.
That got really old. A couple months ago pretty much everyone got tired of hearing about how a population equal to that of Wisconsin lost their jobs, so we asked our media to change its tune. That’s why we get stuff about being frugal now. (Did you know you can read newspapers online for free? 101 money-saving tips inside!) But there was a void. You felt it, didn’t you? It was the void of not having something to constantly worry about, aside from who is getting voted off American Idol. Luckily, we now have something: swine flu apparently happened over the weekend, because the news media are all over this story and why you should be very, very afraid.
According to the World Health Organization, there have been 73 confirmed cases of swine flu, more than half have been reported in North America, where, you know, the population is around 500. No one has died in the U.S., and actually most are recovering without using prescription drugs. Face it, folks, swine flu is coming for you, and it’s all because someone out there ate an unclean pig and did not like washing their hands. The pandemic is coming, it has to be. We deserve something like that.
Remember SARS? West Nile virus? Avian flu? Monkey pox? Man, did those turn out to be lame. A few people died, many more got sick and got better, and the illnesses have all more or less been contained. It’s really been a century since we had a good pandemic to cull the herd. Why am I excited? Well, I’ve been watching CNN and FOX News all weekend and I am now convinced that the world is coming to an end, and it is either the fault of the Democrats or the Republicans. Maybe I just like to make lemonade out of lemons, but I think this could be what we need to save the economy.
First off, if we have fewer people walking around, that means the unemployment rates drop. It also means we have fewer people depending on things like Welfare, health insurance and public transportation. It would mean shorter lines at the movie theater, less traffic on our highways, less cluster in our bars and best of all, fewer people trying to get you to sign up for Greenpeace. However, dear reader, I don’t want you to die. In fact, I would prefer you live, because you are reading my column.
So why don’t you go wash your hands right now and find one of those surgical mask thingies to tie over your nose and mouth? This might actually be a good time to invest in a firearm, as there is a slight chance our government could topple in the chaos that will ensue very soon. Symptoms of swine flu include sneezing, coughing, vomiting, diarrhea, lack of appetite, sore throat and rising from the dead. If you display any of these symptoms, please see your doctor at once.