Rep. Jim Moran, D-Va., is my representative in the House of Representatives of these here United States of America. I’m really not sure if I voted for him, when I was in the voting booth I just voted for women and and guys whose names sounded ethnic-y. But if I did vote for Moran, due to some confusion on my part that he was Hispanic, I am proud I made the informed vote.
The distinguished gentlemen from the Commonwealth of Virginia is taking a stand against one of the most pressing issues our country faces today. You guessed it: erectile dysfunction ads.
Since the late 1990s, these ads have been plaguing America. They were subtle then, because we were all naive–that and Viagra had a corner on the market. But a few years back, Cialis, Levitra (from the Latin root “levitat,” to make rise) and others came on the scene. Suddenly, there was market competition, which meant one thing: scrap the subtleties and innuendos, throw Bob Dole out the window and start beating Americans over the head with what their product will do.
“A number of people,” said Moran, “have come up, including colleagues, and said I’m fed up. I don’t want my three or four-year old grandkid asking me what erectile dysfunction is all about. And I don’t blame them.”
Don’t blame whom? The old people or the toddlers? Are they advertising these things during “Dora the Explorer” now? (“¡Qué lastima! ¡No funciona mi verga!“) Maybe you should stop watching FOX News with your grandchildren, it will give them nightmares. But still, Moran’s right, these ads are inappropriate.
And that’s why Moran introduced a bill that would ban erectile dysfunction ads on the nation’s television and radio waves between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. I am sick and tired of watching old people try on their robin’s egg blue wedding tuxedos and carrying their mates to bed, I’m tired of seeing old people holding hands watching the sunset on a beach while they both sit in strangely placed bath tubs, and I’m not comfortable with people in their 50s and 60s talking to me frankly about how they are happier now that they are back to consummating again.
While we’re taking genital-related commercials off the air, I want to ban ads for contraceptives (aside from Trojan, because those are funny) and ladies’ special time products. I could be eating and they could unsuspectingly ruin my appetite. Come to think of it, toilet paper ads should be banned. I really don’t want to eat my burrito and have to be reminded of what the future holds for me.