The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.
The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon.
Why, you might ask? The answer is very simple: there is an increase in earthquakes, the threat of nuclear disaster, and I have forgotten the third one, but it was probably activist judges.
We have all seen that earthquakes have increased suddenly this year. There were two in China, there was one in Los Angeles, there were a couple of them under water and probably one in South America at some point this year. Clearly, this is a sign that the Earth, which has thousands and thousands of earthquakes each year, is coming to an end. This increase in a relatively short period of time has nothing to do with the fact that shifting continental plates cause other continental plates to shift as well. No, clearly, God is set to end it all for us.
It’s no secret that we are in huge danger of ending the world through nuclear (pronounced “newk-yoo-ler,” as defined by our president) disasters and warfare. More and more countries have access to nuclear technology, which threatens the very stability of the world. Two of the three “Axis of Evil” states are researching nuclear power, which we know through a series of diplomatic agreements is for the sinister use of providing energy to an otherwise third world country. We are the only ones who are supposed to build new nuclear power plants, it is God’s will.
So join me, brothers and sisters, in repenting our sins and joining the one true religion. Join (and donate large sums of money to) the Church Whose Name I Cannot Remember. Because you only have until the end of the month to live.