The world is a dangerous place, and that goes double if you are a small child. Why, if you aren’t watched carefully, you are liable to choke yourself to death inside a plastic bag. Children are incredibly stupid, I believe science can back me up on that one.
As you may have heard, the American Academy of Pediatrics said earlier today that there should be labels on types of food that are choking hazards for small children. Hot dogs, grapes and small carrots rank among the most deadly for young children.
I know what you’re thinking. Back in my day, we ate out hot dogs cut up and dunked in ketchup. We didn’t get to eat whole hot dogs on a bun. No, we ate it sliced and we liked it that way. Does that mean that I had parents who actually paid attention to simple dangers as most parents should, thus negating the need for these labels in the first place? Hell no! In fact, I agree with the AAP. I think we need labels on more than just the types of foods they listed.
We need more warning labels. I want to see every hot dog grilled with with a warning seared into it, I want grapes to have grape-sized stickers on them that say “THIS IS A CHOKING HAZARD!” This way, a four-year old can read it and decide to chew with caution, allowing Mommy and Daddy to resume their argument about the glitter Daddy came home with on his cheek.
At the top of the list should be sushi. I have said it a million times: children need to be careful when eating raw fish. It’s not the point chopsticks they could use to eat them, it’s not the fact that it’s uncooked fish that most people don’t want to eat unless they’re hipsters, it’s the fact that it has sticky rice. Think about it. Sticky. Rice. That can’t be good for you child. Besides, do you really want them eating seaweed?
Applesauce is a close second. Sure, it may taste good with pork chops, but it’s a death trap. You see, apple sauce is a mush, and that mush can lull your child into a false sense of security when eating it. What we all tend to forget is that apple sauce is mushy, but you can make an imprint of your face in it. (It’s cool, trust me.) However, what your child doesn’t understand is that unless he or she is a mutant, your child’s lungs are not equipped to breathe applesauce.
And another deadly food item is of course tequila. I’m no doctor, but I believe that tequila can be bad for your child. No matter how much they beg you, no matter how loud they cry and scream for it, do not give them tequila. The chief issue here is that tequila leads to excessive “good times” and a couple years later, rambling monologues about the glory days. And besides, it’s hard enough to understand your kid as it is.