Happy 2010, everyone. Glad you survived Y2K +10, which sort of sounds like an algebra equation. One of the major stories of late was the attempted bombing of a plane. Some kid in Africa failed to set his underwear on fire and suddenly there is a huge scare. Some people see this as a wake-up call. Some see it as a reason to take a train. Personally, I see it as a reason to get fat and get fat quick.
Remember the shoe bomber? He had issues lighting his shoes on fire. We all now have to take off our shoes when we go through security. Now we have the crotch bomber, who was probably made fun of in high school with just such a nickname. No, my perverted reader, we do not now have to take off our underwear, but it’s close.
We instead get to step into a machine that blows air at us from all directions and takes pictures. It’s called a full body scan, and it’s the latest weapon in the arsenal of freedom.Full body scans aren’t anything new, actually. They were introduced a couple years ago by the Transportation Security Administration in a few airports for testing. They got pulled when no one liked the fact that the government and naked sepia pictures of them, like Uncle Sam has a thing for 1890s porn. Well, the gay nineties are back once again. Machines are scheduled to be installed at airports later this year.
Here’s a sample picture, somewhat blurred because the details are a little graphic for professionals, unless those professionals are in the security sector. I want to get fat so I can gross out the TSA agents when I fly. Either that, or I want to hit Chipotle before I fly and time my fart just right so that the air blowing around me will push the fart out at the TSA.
Regardless, full body scans are nothing but another elaborate show to make us feel secure and make us hate flying more. The problem is that the human element is not eliminated, and the human element is what caused the near-miss in the first place.
Let’s say your father thinks you’re a little nutso, and he tells the U.S. government so. You get put on a list to be flagged if you try to fly. You should get stopped at the ticket counter. Let’s say you get past that and get to security. You are walking and acting nervous because you have explosives on your genitals. Security officials are trained to pick up on unusual behavior and pull people aside. Let’s say they don’t notice your eyes darting left and right, or the slight tremble in your hand. Your bag, which contains matches, a banned object for carry-on luggage, is being scanned. The matches should be spotted and removed from your bag.
I don’t know exactly what measures are in place in Africa but these measures are already in place here in the U.S. and have been for eight years. The problem is that all of these scans required people to identify the problem. These are people who look at thousands of faces a day, five days a week. You get numb. Full body scans will not change a thing. They will not make flying safer, only make it look that way.
However, I’m going to start making hard plastic underwear that can stand up to the fully body scan while making it through the metal detector, keeping your privates private. Chafing is a liberating feeling.