The McBournie Minute: We are not prepared for the ninja threat

Piracy is something we all live with. We do it every time we download a new song or movie on our favorite Torrent application. Of course, The Pirate Bay got smacked with a conviction in Sweden recently, so they may or may not be out of the picture.

Then there is the rise in piracy off the coast of Somalia. Desperate men and teenagers are taking to the seas to seek fortune, or a sniper’s bullet, depending on how things go. Pirates, thanks to the movies, have enjoyed a pop culture celebration, complete with eye patches and peg legs. But we’re all missing the big issue.

Ninjas are coming. It’s only a matter of time. The resurgence in piracy can only mean that there will be an equal and opposite resurgence in ninjaism.

Think of it as nature. If a season is particularly beneficial for oak trees, they make a lot of acorns. The surplus of acorns means more food for squirrels, which means there will be a boom in the squirrel population. Now, this is not to say that pirates are oak trees, but when one challenge arises, the other side will rise to meet the threat.

One simple way to keep the ninjas at bay is to put them on transport ships, ready to battle and pirates that feel the need to board a ship and take some hostages. But odds are this won’t be enough to deal with the population boom. In this economy, there are only so many stealth-related jobs to go around. Ninja unemployment, not surprisingly, will lead to ninja-related crime. Are we ready to deal with the impending ninja threat?

No, we’re not. You see, ninjas can make their way into the country in just about any way they want. Our borders are so vast that there is only so much we can do to guard them. Besides, let’s say one of our customs agents finds a whole shipment of ninjas in a single cargo container. The minute they are discovered, all they have to do is release one of their smoke bomb things and poof–gone. If we are unable to keep our borders safe, we risk losing law and order, as more of these vigilantes make it into our country and form some sort of organized crime syndicate.

When there’s a ninja organized crime syndicate, there’s only one thing that can fight back. No, not pirates. Turtles.