Remember mail? It was like e-mail, but with a much higher risk of paper cuts and a much lower risk of young co-eds wishing to become your friend. Apparently mail is still around, but people aren’t using it as much anymore.
Word just came in that the U.S. Postal Service posted a $3.8 billion loss for the 2009 fiscal year, or as Detroit calls it, Monday. The Postal Service isn’t doing so well, while Federal Express (FedEx) and UPS (UPS) are struggling because private companies just can’t compete with federal agencies, isn’t that right, teabaggers?
OK, so maybe the Postal Service needs some help. They’re planning to stop shipments on Saturdays to save money, but what they really need is some fresh eyes on the problem. Luckily for America, I just happen to be willing to lend my services.
Letting Hawaii and Alaska fend for themselves
Let’s face it, the 48 contiguous states are the only ones that really matter. To ship something to Alaska or Hawaii costs a lot more than it does from one coast to another. That’s because you either have to take a package halfway across the largest body of water on the planet or through another country entirely to get the package there. On top of that, the old “wind or sleet or snow” adage really comes into effect with Alaska. Domino’s ended their “30 minutes or it’s free” thing for a reason, maybe the feds should, too.
Turning a blind eye
Mail order brides are not exactly legal these days. In fact, the Postal Service, and federal government in general, rather frown upon human trafficking in general. But what if they didn’t mind it all the time? What if they actually told countries like Russia that if they wanted to export their women via freight, well that’s just dandy by them. I mean, it is “mail order.” One of those women would weigh at least 100 pounds, and that translates into some big shipping prices.
This stamp for rent
Companies are always looking for new ways to get themselves out to the public, and corporate sponsorship seems to work pretty well. The solution here is simple, just put an ad on everything you touch. First you start with the stamps. Sorry, Star Wars, you’re not getting any more space on the envelope until Lucasfilm forks over a few billion. What’s that Hallmark? You want us to send your card? Get ready to pay a fee for the honor. And when you see a mail truck, you know what it is just by the shape, so who cares if you slap an iPhone ad across it? Also to explore: start calling it iMail. Re-branding certainly worked for Philip Morris.