The McBournie Minute: Welcome to romance town

It is said that Huntsville, Alabama is the quickly becoming the sexual utensil capital of the U.S., but guess what, Rick Snee? My town has managed to out-romanticize you. At least that’s what Amazon says.

For the second year in a row, Alexandria, Virginia has been named the most romantic city in the country. Any resident can tell you this is true, right down to when we dig Cupid out of his hole and see if he’s scared by his shadow. However, it’s the more subtle things that Amazon.com found that put us on top again.

However, I’ve got a few issues with how they judged this.

It’s hard to quantify “romantic,” because it means different things to everyone. For example, to many women, it means being only moderately disappointed on Valentine’s Day. To most men, it means sitting down with your loved one and watching one of those pseudo-porn movies on Cinemax. To address this, Amazon looked at the purchases of certain items. Let’s go through the list.

Romance novels
I don’t really get the link here. Does a woman who reads romance novels have a better concept of romance than a person who doesn’t? Wouldn’t reading a romance novel suggest either an unrealistic expectation for romance, or the free time only a romance-free life can afford? I bet I could spend the rest of this year reading romance novel after romance novel, and not really become any more romantic. I would, however, have quite the collection of conversation starters on my bookshelf when my male friends visit.

Barry White albums
This might work with the over-40 crowd, but when was the last time you sat by the fire and put on some Barry White with your betrothed? If this works on the younger ladies, I would be surprised, not only because Barry’s dead, but because I’m not sure many people under 40 can even name his songs.

Sex and relationship books
This one should be pretty simple: If you need to buy a book on sex and/ or relationships, there is probably something wrong with your sex and/ or relationships, which is not romantic. “Baby, let me try this move I’ve been reading about,” is generally not a line that gets the women going.

Sexual wellness products
It’s kind of a confusing term, isn’t it? What exactly is a sexual wellness product? Is there something wrong with your genitals that requires a Band-Aid? Maybe we’re talking about condoms and birth control pills, if so, who exactly is buying these products through Amazon, anyway?

And finally …

Romantic comedies
I’d like to see how this one is defined, because there is distinct difference between rom-coms (also called date movies) and chick flicks. For example, The Notebook is a chick flick. If you are a dude of the male persuasion, unless you have some really traumatic images from the war seared into your brain that you want to seem tame, you have no need to see this movie. But if you’re sitting down to watch Wedding Crashers with your significant other, that is deemed romantic.

So what we have learned about Alexandria, Virginia is that it is full of people who buy books with fake romance, books with actual sex, Barry White, products that are in some way sexual and of course, movies. Guys, make sure to do one or two of these things, and she won’t complain.