I am just back from a week-long vacation at the beach–I know you missed me, but let’s avoid the joyful reunion in the interest of saving us both some time.
At the beach, one can find many things, like seaweed, shells and overweight white people. One can look across the sand dunes and see and endless horizon of umbrellas, towels, chairs and even the occasional kite. Aside from the annoying gulls, screaming children, sand blowing in your face, radios on way too loud and Speedos, the beach can be a very relaxing place to spend one’s time. That is until a new threat emerged: Crocs.
I am not talking about crocodiles, we all know those are dangerous and want to eat us all. No, the Crocs I am speaking of are brightly colored foam footwear that seem to be growing in popularity.
I first became aware of Crocs about a year and a half ago, when my co-worker, Jack, a 60-year old news man, walked into the office one day with what appeared to be some kind of sandals on his feet. They were blue, I mean like blue you find on Nestle Crunch bar wrappers, and from what I could tell, they also were made of foam. I can only assume this is in case you are suddenly flung overboard from your seagoing vessel and do not want footwear that sinks.
I was amazed by Crocs. Why would a grown man of any age wear such ugly things on his feet? I can see the appeal for kids, but adults? Also, I do not want to pigeonhole anyone here. Crocs are not worn by all adults, or even most adults, but if an adult is wearing them, they are white. White people are responsible for many strange fashion statements such as the hoop skirt, the stovepipe hat and the snap bracelet.
But despite these previous blunders, Crocs seem to be a whole lot worse. A smaller portion of the adult Croc-wearing demographic even choose to add little pins to their sandals like children do. This is the flip-flop equivalent of having sensors on shoes that light up.
One might ask, with so many other beach-related offenses out there (like banana hammocks), why do I choose Crocs to bash? The answer is simple: most people have the good sense not to wear banana hammocks in public places.