The McBournie Minute: Winter colds, and the children that cause them

With the health care bill now being debated in the U.S. Senate (take a walk with me, it will be entertaining, I promise) and winter now upon us, there is a lot of talk about how to keep healthy despite colds, H1N1 and children that want us out of the way so that they can eat all the candy they want.

Right now I have a cold, but that is fairly unusual for me. You see, I have what is called a strong immune system (which female can detect through their sense of smell, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one). Right now I have The Thing That’s Going Around. You know, the nose, the throat, the cough. It sucks.

So I’m here this week to give you a few pointers on how to stay healthy, and should you fail at this, get better soon. You’re welcome, America.

Staying healthy
The key here is not merely to avoid things, but knowing what to avoid, and what to see out. First off, you need to avoid children. Aside from the reason I mentioned above, children are the grossest things with which you can come into contact. Sure, they look cute, but that’s how they get you. Before you know it, they’re drooling on you, relieving themselves in their pants, or touching you. Those hands! Do you know where those hands have been? More importantly can you be sure you know that those hands were washed properly the last time they dug up worms? As a rule of thumb, if they haven’t mastered the art of wiping their nose, you probably should not trust your immune system to them.

Avoid other people. This may seem a bit extreme, but the vast majority of germs come from other people. The fewer people you come into contact with, the better. This obviously includes children, though that does stretch the term “people.” Most of all, you want to avoid people with accents. Why? Because that means they’re from somewhere else. The Native Americans were doing just fine until white people and their small pox showed up. Don’t let history repeat itself.

Instead, seek out dark areas so the germs can’t see you, and make sure to douse your insides with vodka every so often (read: often). It’s not very well known, but vodka got its start for medicinal purposes. Russian monks used it to treat patients for a long time, then, probably on a dare, one of the brothers decided to drink some. Dancing ensued.

Getting healthy
If you can, buy some NyQuil. Remember the days when you were a kid and you could sleep solidly through the night, people could even talk or pick you up and nothing would roust you? Well, those days are here again, my friend, and they come in green and red flavors (and just in time for Christmas!). I personally have been taking NyQuil for my cold, and I am now pretty sure I know what a coma feels like. However, I can’t drink when I take NyQuil, and I wake up with strange aches, as if I’ve been sleep-moving furniture.

Make sure to have lots of vitamin C. This one goes without saying, because it’s been said so damn many times. But it’s true. And when you think of all the delicious juices that contain it, then think of all the things you can mix with it. Whic leads me to my next point.

Remember: Dr. Alcohol always makes house calls. Sure, you can go and visit him at your favorite bar, but a) who wants a co-pay? and b) that kind of goes against the “avoid all people” rule. It’s time to open up the liquor cabinet and go exploring. Some may say that putting alcohol in your system just creates one more problem for your immune system to battle, but remember, germs are in your blood. Alcohol kills germs. Hence, getting alcohol into your blood can tag team with your white blood cells to kill those germs and get you back staggering on your feet in no time.