There can be only one 7-billionth child

According the doctors from the Philippines’ Department of Health and Manila’s Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, newborn Danica May Camacho is the 7-billionth existing human being on Earth.

But, not so fast with those congratulations.

Officials in Uttar Pradesh, India say they will be appointing seven 7-billionth girls. And you just know that China, Russia, Iran and the United States will each have their own 7-billionth children.

What’s the U.N. doing to control this brewing international pissing match, you ask? Nothing. They believe “it is impossible to pinpoint the arrival of the globe’s 7 billionth occupant,” so they’re allowing a series of symbolic children to be declared the 7-billionth.

To which we say that’s it’s all symbolic fun and games until all of the appointed 7-billionth children fight each other to the death until only one remains to win the prize.