Today in ancient animals

Scientists love looking at dead animals, the deader and older, the better. Some like it because they are morbid, godless homosexuals seeking to find their beloved Devil. Others like it because they get to learn things, like how animals were before we came along and killed them off.

One such fine example is in North Dakota, where an extremely rare fossil has been found: a mummified dinosaur. The mummy, which is oddly enough not wrapped in toilet paper, nor was it found in a temple, is a nearly complete example of a dinosaur and will give paleontologists (godless and warriors alike) the chance to see how these monstrous creatures really looked, with, you know, flesh on them.

However, this blog is still hesitant. The dinosaur is now as hard as rock or even metal. This cannot go well should the dino wake up.

In other news, have you ever wanted to have your very own mastodon? You can’t, of course. They are all dead thanks to a little genocide on the part of our ancestors. You can, however, own a mastodon skeleton if you go to the right garage sale. A hippie San Fransisco resident is selling a mastodon skeleton she has just lying around in her garage. You know how easy it is to acquire junk.

The best news of all is that you don’t have to live in the area to buy it, you just need to have $115,000 and the ability to place a bid on eBay. Happy hunting!

18 thoughts on “Today in ancient animals”

  1. Animals are generally very tasty and fun to eat.
    I imagine our ancestors also liked to eat animals, thus your ludicrous statement about humans of the time committing genocide. Perhaps it is the fact you were robbed the pleasure of succulent mastodon meat, or the fact you love other animals more than you love your fellow man. either way, it is a shame.

  2. Dr. Love:

    SeriouslyGuys is committed to eating all tasty animals. We even take one for the team and eat non-tasty ones, too.

    Your first assumption is correct: we wish we could have eaten mastodons, but we recognize that their extinction was a necessary step in this War on Animals. We have to live with this absense of mastodons in the same sense that we did not get to shoot Hitler ourselves. (And obviously eat his corpse.)

    Rest assured that we did not intend to disparage eating meat. Heads have already rolled in our site’s War Department for this gaffe in propaganda. (We haven’t decided whether to eat those or not.)

    Kudos on posting as my favorite Kiss song,


  3. [Some like it because they are morbid, godless homosexuals seeking to find their beloved Devil.]

    What in the hell are you talking about? I find this line quite offensive. I stopped reading your article after that line. Sucks for you because it was your second sentence.

  4. Honestly.. where did you get ‘godless homosexuals’ from? How does paleontology have anything to do with sexual orientation? Shock value?

    It’s people like you (whoever wrote this) that bring our country down.

  5. Andy,

    Thanks for sort of reading SeriouslyGuys. Your hit and comment to our site has just raised our rating to “very popular on the Internet,” so more people will read our offensive articles.

    That’s right: you were our one-millionth customer. Now more people can be offended by us than we ever intended.

    God bless you, sir,


  6. “Some like it because they are morbid, godless homosexuals seeking to find their beloved Devil.”


  7. Right. You still didn’t answer my questions. Why don’t you justify yourself?

    You can’t really do it anyway because you made 0 sense in saying that.. you were just being very offensive. It’s quite sad, actually.

  8. Exactly! How does this idiot even know that Mastodons were homosexual? And even if they were (not that there’s anything wrong with that), how do you connect the dots from their sexual orientation to their extinction? Until you can prove that you are male and have had “relations” with a male mastodon, I find the premise of this article ridiculous.

  9. Ummmm…if one is godless, don’t you find it unlikely they are searching for a devil? By the your mastodon statement is not entirely correct -many were killed by our anscestors, true, but mastadons also perished at the end of one of our numerous ice ages so climate also played a part. You should understand science before you start criticizing it.

  10. I think Brian McB is probably a self-hating homosexuals, don’t you? That would explain a lot.
    It isn’t a joke if it’s that stupid, Dave.

  11. Andy,

    See? Your hit has been an invaluable service to SeriouslyGuys and the War on Animals. Thanks again!


    While we appreciate the vote of support, The Guys would like to remind you that none of our readers are idiots. Such readers prefer the term “special.” (Seriously, they told us that. We hang out with our special readers every day.)


    While you have an amazing screen name, we here at SeriouslyGuys would beg to differ with your synopsis. There are plenty of jokes that are stupid.


  12. Yessss… indeed does he know that our brother mastadons were homosexuals? This could be a BIG election issue…which side of the mastadon does Hillary come down on? And how about Barak or his pastor? McCain was there, so maybe we just should ask him. All Jesse and Al want from this is 20% of the door at all showings, for the benefit of minority present day mastadons.



  13. Linz-

    I wouldn’t go as far as claiming to know which side of the Mastodon Hillary has “gone down on”. That’s probably a little too much information. Plus it will come out in the tabloids sooner or later, seeing as all of my tri-state governors and government officials seem to be getting into scandals of one type or another.

    I just wanted it clear that I have many Mastodon friends, and they are just like you and me, and deserve respect! One of them, I’ll call “Kristen” has been in the news recently linked to a certain ex-governor, and was featured in one of my favorite “Mastodons Gone Wild!” DVDs. (Yes, I have a full collection)

    Bottom line is that 99% of Mastodons are hard-working folk, and just want to be left alone. The other 1% may be coke-snorting radical nihilists, hell-bent on humanity’s destruction, but please don’t let these bad apples ruin our views of their species in general.

    And by the way if you are wondering, no, I am not a Mastodon. I’m was born human, and have never even thought of experimentation, even in my college years.

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