War Journal: Washington

If there are two things that piss this blog off, it’s animals and homeless people. Just this week, our nation’s capital was under siege. Yours truly happens to live in the DC area, I supply for you now a war journal about one of the most frightening days this city has seen in seven years.

Arlington, Virginia
8:47 a.m.

We thought this was over. We thought we were safe from threats like this once and for all. We were wrong. I got into work this morning to hear the news that a creature of some sort was spotted putting something in a trash can in downtown D.C.

The bomb squad has been called in and a nearby Metro [subway] station has been closed down right at one of the busiest times. Let’s hope nothing happens to our boys in blue.

Washington, D.C.
10:24 a.m.

I’m watching the bomb squad approach what appears to be a bear–a polar bear– wearing clothes. I swear to you, if I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it. This bear is standing completely still, wearing rags, and hovering over a garbage can, probably foraging for food.

Someone said that earlier in the week they have been found on the outskirts of the D.C. Metro area. This smells more and more like an invasion. How could we have not seen this coming? How could we let these polar bears trek all the way down, cross into our country, and then travel all the way down here? It makes me sick just to–

OK, they’re taking him down now. The bear is down, still frozen in fear like the coward he is. Why aren’t they arresting him? Oh no, he had some sort of a package. I’m ducking now, because they’re pulling apart the package.

Phew! We’re safe–for now.

Washington, D.C.
11:42 a.m.

There’s another one! It’s just sitting on the street corner, motionless. Once again, this one is dressed in rags. The difference is not only does this bear have a cup for change, it’s got signs–IN ENGLISH! Who taught these bastards how to read and write? They ought to feed him to the sharks–wait, he might teach them to read and write, too.

I’m getting out of here, it’s just too dangerous to walk around in this city without some sort of weaponry. Sadly, they don’t let us bring guns into my office. Maybe that policy will change after today.

Arlington, Virginia
8:39 a.m.

We were right. It was an invasion and it was a coordinated attack. Polar bears are being reported all over the city, and by the grace of God there have been no maulings reported. What I wouldn’t do for a bear pelt right now.

The word is Greenpeace, a known terrorist organization, is behind these attacks. The spokesman I’ve seen on television told the media (probably in between bong hits) that they did it to send a message to our nation’s leaders. They want to instill fear in the public and make our leadership pay for its actions, killing animals and robbing the polar bear of its habitat.

What they don’t get is that we don’t back down to terrorists–not in this town. No, it only steels our resolve. We are going to fight these unshaven traitors and we’re going to hunt down every single one of these polar bears, now that we can carry firearms in the District (thanks, Supreme Court!).

We’ll give them no quarter. No non-human refugees will be let in. We’ll greet them with machine guns and bear traps. It is time we bring the fight to them. Onward to upper Canada!