West coast water supply secured from salmon

It is a glorious day in the War on Animals: salmon can no longer be found off the coasts of California and Oregon.

Thanks to the concerted efforts of the commercial fishing industry, Long John Silvers and armchair warriors like you, salmon can no longer ruin our beaches and drinking water with acts of malfeasence like fornicating and pooping.

Go ahead, pat yourself on the back.  We’ve all worked hard for this day.  But don’t think this means we can take a day off.  There’s still a whole world of water-spoiling fish out there to be eaten before we can switch back to tap.