Why’s the shark gotta be white?

For those of you who have been afraid to step into the ocean in fear of the Great White Shark, it’s over. We got him. He is safely behind glass where he can never hurt you again.

Authorities captured what they describe (according to the art of paraphrasing) as a “juvenile offender” off the coast of Malibu, presumably after some eagle-eyed celebrity used their magic better-than-us powers to spot it. The shark was transferred from the Malibu holding pen to the Monterey Bay Aquatic Penitentiary, where fish and really naughty air-breathing criminals are held until they make parole. Or drown.

Unfortunately, we all know that California’s justice system is equipped with a revolving door. Prison officials have already confirmed that they will release the shark as soon as it begins appearing stressed or taking “aggressive actions toward other inmates” — like Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. Our advice is to get your beach on while there’s still time.

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