MasterChugs Theater will be back next week while Chugs bring you a special SG exclusive expose.
In the Book of Revelations,it’s mentioned that the first beast will rise from the sea, having seven heads and ten horns. For years, centuries even, many thought that this beast represented Imperial Rome. I now feel that it’s safe to say that they were wrong in their identifications. The beast does not have seven heads and ten horns, but twelve points. Not only that, the beast is not Imperial Rome, as speculated, but a concept: inclusion.
The beast is here, and corporate America would like it to swallow your soul.
A long time ago, I wrote a little article on diversity training from a Fortune 500 company. I can’t say that a lot has changed since then-I still work for said corporate overlords, though I’ve luckily shifted positions a little bit for the better since then. However, everything changed for the worse last week when I was told that I would have to attend a mandatory corporate training on my company’s current theme du jour, “inclusion.” I was not a happy camper. I was even less happy when I found out that the training session would be an all day event. Still, never let it be said that we don’t do a thing at all for you, faithful reader.
Inclusion is just the latest buzzword to come from the people who brought us synergy, touch base and proactive. What it “means” is irrelevant; just know that, like aglets (the plastic things at the end of shoelaces), its purpose is sinister. The essential plan of inclusion is to do what your parents taught you. Yeah. Be nice. That’ll work real good in corporate America.
The class started out with a short introduction. Of course, my attention was placed squarely on the scented markers lying in front of me on my table. Unfortunately, things were off to a bad start already as the scented markers gave no scentedosity scent. A pox upon your lies, inclusion!
We then moved onto a new aspect of corporate culture: the acronym. While inclusion wants you to be a friendly person and say hi to strangers in the hopes that they won’t touch your soft diddly bits with a sharp knife, it really wants you to do so while remembering an acronym: MPWTA, also known as Meet People Where They Are. Not only did I manage to forget what this acronym meant within 3 minutes of learning it, but it honestly seems overly complex; isn’t the place that I meet people where they are just that-where they are?
Next on the agenda was the concept of everybody working together for the common good. Considering I have a 10 point plan for world domination, I really don’t think that the common good of corporate America is in line with my common good. Nonetheless, I trudged on for a bit more, at least, until I was told about synergy. Everyone’s heard that buzzword before, but do you know the definition of it? I do now. It’s apparently ‘2 + 2 =5.’ No, I am not applying my own frustrations with math into this report. Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen: buzzwords can’t count.
But wait-there’s more! You see, corporate culture would really find it just oh so delightful if you would be willing to challenge yourself. This line of thought was reinforced when we were told that “you only grow when you go out of your comfort zone.” For the many that know me, this clearly means that I have always been nothing but comfortable in my life.
What’s also horrifying about inclusion is that inclusion does not believe in the use of pie charts. This is unheard of in corporate America, as pie charts are simply the life blood of all presentations. Instead, inclusion chooses to use Venn Diagrams, which are like pie charts, but with 68% less math. Also, as you can see, Venn Diagrams tend to be less of a product of Microsoft Office Suite programs and more of a product of markers on white board.
Inclusion isn’t just a bad idea, it’s a bad idea and a product of corporate training. That is far from a good thing. Corporate training is almost always done on a budget. There’s no effective use of acting, set design or hair and make-up, but there’s plenty of money for bound, laminated workbooks. No, I did not stutter about that last part. Worst of all, it’s usually accompanied by passive aggressive mottoes like “It doesn’t happen to you, it happens because of you.”
The final aspect of our training was an exercise on how to identify when people are being left out of the group. In order to learn how to do so, we went over an instructional story. Hemingway, the author ain’t. Allow me to summarize the story:
Jenny is the new girl, having been on the job for almost a week. She has her first team meeting. During the meeting, new terms are thrown around that she doesn’t understand. One of her teammates, Raul, says that he’ll explain them to her at the end of the meeting. The meeting ends and the entire team leaves as if the building has caught on fire. What exclusion behaviors have been displayed?
Don’t answer that, as I’ll do that for you. Raul is a dick and Jenny is incredibly passive aggressive since she was the one to tell us the story. Oh sure, doctor up the details for us, lady.
As I close this retrospective on the horrors of war corporate America, allow me to end it with a delightful acronym sent to me as the class went on. I’m pretty sure it communicates my feelings on the matter quite eloquently:
Totally include everyone
Hate everyone in secret
Inclusion rocks!
Shut up & inclusize
Forever, shall you include
*nder no circumstances, stop
*lap for everyone
Kick no one’s ass
Inclusion!!!!!!!!
Never stop including
Give everyone pats on the back
Sh** where you eat
Ugly people need love, too
Clapping is inclusionary
Kissing ass is, too
Shut up & include