You Missed It: Hug it out bitch edition

I write this at the climax of a bender that began last Sunday when the New England Patriots lost to the New York Jets. In the depths of my drunken despair, I realized one thing about this NFL season: the athletes who were hated in the off-season had some of their best seasons this year, leaving America to feel questionable about supporting players like Michael Vick or Ben Roethlisberger. So I’m just going to hope that between now and August Tom Brady gets in legal trouble for running a chop shop. If you were busy walking into a mall fountain while texting, odds are you missed it.

Come a little closer
Today is National Hug Day, but I’m sure you already had it marked on your calendars. It’s a holiday pushed through by special interest groups and Big Hug companies. Actually, it’s just an excuse to rub up against your coworker’s massive rack. To be fair, hugging someone without permission can be dangerous. I should know, the first time (really) I was ever kicked out of a bar was for excessive hugging.

Downgrade
Noted motorcycle dude and part-time Nazi uniform-wearer Jesse James is engaged! After a very public divorce with Sandra Bullock, it seems America’s, um, dude who used to be married to Sandra Bullock has found love. This time, it’s with Kat Von D. I’d go into details, but this story really bores the hell out of me.

Don’t make plans for 2013
The Mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012, then again, they couldn’t predict small pox, so you really can’t trust them. But now, we may have some freaky happenings in the universe that could spell our end: A big-ass star is dying, and could light us all up as if we had two suns. Betelgeuse, one of the stars in the constellation Orion, could be dead by 2012. It’s a really, really, really big star, and no one knows exactly what’s going to happen when it dies, but it could blow up and make everything really bright. I’m no scientist, nor am I one to panic, but my prediction is that we’re all going to die.