Day: January 17, 2008

How To: Use a cell phone

Boy, you can’t even mention cell phones today without getting people angry, so much that they’re pretty much the new abortion. Debates rage over Bluetooth earpieces, speaker phone, using one when driving, ringtones and even background wallpaper designs. (Yes, that Pat Sajak.)

OK, so how is all that like abortion? Whenever abortion is discussed, the opinion is always preceded with this statement: “I would never have one, but ….” So, although nobody has abortions–or really admits to having them–we still argue about the right to abort pregnancies. Cell phones are the same way. Whenever someone gripes about them, everyone agrees that they’re horrible. And then an obnoxious ring tone goes off–so much for unanimous consent.

So while the abortion debate will rage until we evolve past child-birthing, we can settle the cell phone debate right now in this SeriouslyGuide: how to use a cell phone.

Continue reading How To: Use a cell phone

Animals try to silence The Guys

Let’s get one thing clear: The Guys have never hidden from expressing their opinions and telling the truth. We always make sure our real names are known, except for Rick Snee–that’s a pen name, of course, no one would go by that name. His real name is Allister Weinheimenstein. In any case, we keep our identities known to our enemies, and with the consistent reporting on the War on Animals it was only a matter of time before one of those critters got a computer and decided we needed to be silenced.

That day came on Tuesday, when two deer infiltrated one of the buildings on the campus of Radford University–the Guys’ Alma Mater. These hit-deer no doubt came searching for us on a bad tip that we were in town. The one of them got away, but police tracked down the second one inside the building. The deer “accidentally” died before EMS could respond. This blog supports the swift justice style of the Radford University Police Department, despite our alcohol consumption records with them.

Fear not, dear readers. This attack only shows that we are indeed a threat to the Animal Uprising, and the work we do is just. We will not let this incident deter us from continuing the coverage you turn to us for.

(Courtesy of Chris B.)

Drinks like a Welshman

Alcoholics unite! You have something in common with the Cinderella Man Russell Crowe. Apparently seeking a spiritual journey, Crowe is going back to search his Welsh roots to explore his ancestry. Which, according to reports, have him coming from a long line of drunks.

Anyone up for re-shoots of some previous Crowe films? Suggested titles:
A Beautiful Drink
80 Proof of Life
Hammered Over the Anvil
The Rum of Us
The Quick and the Drunk

Rapture Watch ’08!

Yay! Pega-people!Hey, you divinaholics out there! Are you tired of your job? Has the daily grind of the earthly world got you in a funk? Well, you won’t have to do it for too much longer!

The First Temple Seal has been found in Jerusalem.

That’s right: we’re probably only a couple of years away from the emergence of the Beast, the rebuilding of the Temple, getting tattooed (our moms won’t let us have one) and flying horses!

Welcome to the SG Clinic

It’s time to put on those lab coats, put on our latex gloves and point to exactly why we have medical professionals out there. Get ready to turn your head and cough.

Often, we hurt ourselves.
An Australian man was riding shotgun in his buddy’s (or as they call them there, mate) truck. He saw two young women he thought were very attractive. Not having a steering wheel in front of him, the man could not honk in the timeless romantic fashion of the universal truck driver. Instead, he put his arm out the window.

It was at that point his arm was hit and nearly severed by an oncoming “four-wheel-drive,” whatever that is. The point is, girls don’t want any scrubs, a scrub is a guy that cannot get any love from them, with their hanging out of the passenger side of his best friend’s ride, then getting himself involved in a gruesome motor vehicle accident.

Hubris, hubris, hubris.
Did you get a strange sensation down south a few year ago and refuse to get it treated, and now you’re suffering from blindness, bouts of insanity and mild nasal drip? Odds are you’ve got syphilis. Don’t feel bad, you know who else had it? Artist Paul Gaugin, Mobster Al Capone as well as Axis leaders Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini (probably got it from each other). But where did it come from?

A new study says it was none other than Christopher Columbus who brought back the venereal disease. It was probably part of a disease exchange program with the natives (for those of you keeping score at home, smallpox killed millions and millions of Native Americans, syphilis can be cured with some medication). I think we got the better trade on that one.

You know what? I think we just found a new way to celebrate Columbus Day.