Day: April 1, 2008

Eat My Sports: Yankee Stadium

Babe Ruth can burn in hell. From “The Curse,” to inspiring Babe, to that God awful candy bar. That overweight drunk can take one final thing to his grave and have it pummeled there with him. Good riddance Yankee Stadium.

I really wouldn’t be feeling this way if not for a certain four-letter’s ridiculously overblown coverage of the last season of a stadium. The Mets are moving to a new ballpark next year, I don’t remember anything this commercialized when the Braves moved from their old stomping grounds. And I seriously doubt they did anything for the sandlot. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Yankee Stadium

Warmer temperatures bring out the hotties

For most of the country, it’s April. That means warmer temperatures and women wearing less. It seems only natural to have beauty pageants to celebrate this time of year. Angola, which this blog understand is in Africa, is no exception. They are rolling out their beauties–but theirs seem to have a catch, due to the country’s high level of landmines, the women are missing limbs.

In the vein of Heather Mills, one-legged women can indeed be beautiful. The pageant, called Miss Landmine–seriously–features the luscious legless of Angola. The Guys have a well documented affinity for pirates, so naturally, these babes are alright with us.

But since these ladies lost their legs to munitions, it’s probably best not to call them bombshells.

Visa–it’s where your apocalypse wants to be

I'll swallow your soul!A 27.25 percent interest rate? Yeah, that sounds evil to me.

It’s an important ability to be able to distinguish between degrees of something. Unfortunately, not everyone has said ability. Take for example, a group of Russians that barricaded themselves to avoid the “oncoming apocalypse.” The source for our doom? Credit cards and UPC codes. I think they’re onto something, though. Don’t stop there! Beware the sub-prime mortgages, for they issue straight from Beelzebub’s nether parts! By the way, doom’s supposed to befall our world sometime in either April or May. Apparently, the cult’s preacher can’t decide on which month.

Pee in toilet, kiss baby, pee in toilet, kiss baby, pee in baby, kiss toilet

Hartley-the golden streamer's manIn a tough election cycle, it can be tough for a candidate to make themselves stand out above the crowd. As one San Diego City Council candidate learned, peeing into a cup and masturbating on a public street in the middle of the afternoon is certainly one way to do that. That might cost him a few votes, but sometimes real leadership means do things that are unpopular, right? Plus, I’m sure that he’s locked into the “Urination and Globule” constituents.

Open wide, human

The machines are rising up against us. Make no mistake about that. We are growing more and more dependent on them to do our everyday work and help speed up the simpler things in life. The more dependent we get, the more complicated the machines’ tasks become.

Now, we are going to be taking it in the hind quarters, literally. Robots are now being developed to give us colonoscopies. Scientists, whom this blog has always suspected are evil, are working on these robots to make the rather uncomfortable procedure “safer.

Sorry, bub. It’s a bad enough thought to imagine a human being doing that to someone, but there’s no way The Guys are ever letting a machine get in there, we don’t care what ivy league school it went to.

One small step above mall cop …

Have you ever wanted to be a cop, but not have to deal with pesky things like shooting people, wrestling crackheads or tazering college students? OK, without those three activities, you’re not much of a cop, but your local law enforcement agency may need you.

Police forces have apparently considered using non-police responders for non-life-threatening calls–traffic accidents, burglaries or cats in trees–since the 1980s. Now that they’re getting tighter budgets, you too could become the next Angela Lansbury.

There’s no word yet if applicants will need to supply their own Maglite/bag of doorknobs.