They also charge for b’day usage
Posted on June 30, 2008
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For the employees of a meat packing plant in England, it is the worst of times, but certainly not the best of times.
A local labor union is saying that Brown Brothers is forcing employees to clock out when they make trips to the bathroom, a practice the union calls “Dickensian.” This is seen as an affront to the common worker, who proudly gets paid for his or her 20 minutes on the can a little after lunch. How else can one catch up on the news?
Perhaps even more Dickensian of Brown Brothers is that it automatically fires anyone who asks for more gruel.
Written by Bryan McBournieNow THAT’S science!
Posted on June 30, 2008
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Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.
A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:
- Showing us invisible matter.
- Revealing other dimensions.
- Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
- Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
- Dog and cat cohabitation.
Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.
Written by Rick Snee‘You’ll never take me alive … or clothed!’
Posted on June 30, 2008
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You’ve got to like a story that’s got everything you want in it. Women, nudity, stockings and soccer are always ingredients for a good tale-OK maybe not so much that last one, but hey, three out of four ain’t bad. Except, what happens when you throw in a few more elements, such as crime, Germany, slurry and manure? Well, not only do a less appetizing story, you’ve also got a recent event. Such as …
… two women walk into a farm in Germany. No, this isn’t the start of a bad joke … well, maybe. Anyway, said ladies decide to steal for their own want. What do they take, though? Manure. Cow-poo. Dung. Crap. A word we can’t say on the front page of this website. Yes, the classy broads begin filling stockings with the manure. Why? Their purposes were sinister! It was suspected that they wanted to bomb the area in an incident related to a recent soccer match! Diabolical!
Unfortunately, as many are wont to do, one of the ladies slipped into the manure tank. This spelled the end of their crime reign due to police then found one of the ladies clad only in her undergarments while it’s suspected that the other ran off naked as the day she was born. German porn is always the weirdest.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThe McBournie Minute: It’s all about you
Posted on June 30, 2008
Filed Under McBournie Minute, Sex Sells | 1 Comment |
If you are reading this, there is a pretty good chance you are a pervert. I say that not to be offensive, but to point out that you, the reader, seem to find us through some rather unorthodox searches online. So, like this blog’s authors, our readers are freaky-deaky.
According to our site’s info-gathering stuff (“dohickeys” is the proper term), day after day the most commonly searched for phrase that leads to SG is, ready for it? “Inverted nipples.” Now, I am not really sure what these are, but it sounds to me like some people out there enjoy breasts that are concave or something. Really? People find that hot? Who are these people and who even knew inverted nipples existed (aside from Bryan Schools).
Hit the jump to find out what you apparently are into. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieMasterChugs Theater: ‘Ichi The Killer’
Posted on June 27, 2008
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As June pulls to a close, we conclude “Asian Cinema is fricking crazy” with a movie that might embody that theme more than any movie in history. Heck, it might just embody the last two words better than any other movie in history. Coming from the utterly demented mind of Takashi Miike, “Ichi the Killer” is easily one of the most controversial films of the last decade, and with good reason. Consisting of a hyper stylized visceral barrage of over the top gore, torture and rape, which hangs loosely on a threadbare skeleton of inconsequential plotting and that boasts a madman’s sense of logic. Whilst all this is certainly true, as Ichi the Killer is incredibly grotesque and overwhelmingly sadistic, beneath the surface lurks a fierce intelligence, albeit a psychotic one, which attempts to make an intellectual point through antagonizing and unapologetically provoking its viewer rather, than any kind of given subtlety. By all means, this movie is not for any one with an aversion to violence of any amount.
Interested yet? Hit the jump for more. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou Missed It: Sidearm edition
Posted on June 27, 2008
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It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.
Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”
Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.
Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!
Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.
There’s some porn in my grill, dear Liza, dear Liza
Posted on June 27, 2008
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You love your family. We know this, and it’s OK. We won’t make fun of you … too much.
We’ve seen what you’ve done to protect your family from the dangers of the world: installed a V-chip into all of the televisions, put multiple Net Nanny’s on the computer, searched under all of the mattresses and even behind the refrigerator for loose change and filthy magazines …
However, it’s the summer. That means one thing: grilling. Unfortunately, that little hibachi grill of yours just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, you walk down to your local mega-mart store and buy yourself a new shiny grill. But, like the Death Bed, this innocent household item is multi-purpose. For, instead of picking up a regular grill, you have picked up Porn Grill: the grill that comes with porn!
Hypothetical situation … or real life?
If you answered the latter, then you are correct! This very act happened to a shocked couple in Florida. And at that wholesome Wal-Mart of all places! Zounds!
Yes, said shocked couple was shown the horrors of a foreign newspaper wrapped around the grills rack (which HAS to be a double entendre) containing pictures of naked women. Words of wisdom come from Lorene Kinslow, buyer of said filthy flesh charrer:
“I was furious. Something like this came to the United States. A family could’ve bought this. It wasn’t the fact that I don’t have my children living here with me but if a husband, a family and kids could’ve got a hold of that, that was just wrong, wrong.”
Translation: as long as it had been American porn, everything would have been hunkey-dorey.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorDid we say ‘Warrior of the Week?’
Posted on June 27, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”
Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.
And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:
“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.’”
[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]
Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.
*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.
Written by Rick SneeThis is what they want us to do
Posted on June 27, 2008
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Folks, domestic assault is no joking matter (except if your family members are clowns). But it is even worse when that abuse involves animals. This blog is not saying abuse against animals, that is perfectly fine. We are saying it is sad when you abuse someone with an animal.
A man in Michigan is being charged with assault after police say he stabbed his mother with a fork (sad) and then hit another woman over the head with a frozen chicken (sadder). Folks, dinner time is supposed to be a peaceful, family gathering time. It’s a long-held American tradition. In fact, dinner is the most American meal there is.
So please, don’t waste dinnertime assaulting each other. Especially with a frozen chicken.
This post has been brought to you by the American Pastured Poultry Producers Association.
Written by Bryan McBournieHow To: Mourn a celebrity
Posted on June 26, 2008
Filed Under How To, Too Soon?, Zombies | Leave a Comment |
Jesus, the Internet’s like a bad zombie movie these days. Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lucky if you caught “It’s Bad for Ya” on HBO, which was played as filler between John Adams marathons and Recount. But now that George Carlin’s dead, you can’t escape the c**ksucker.
(And the week before, it was Tim Russert. You know, the guy from the political news that wasn’t Chris Matthews.)
The Guys are running around the Internet, trying to find quality news for you readers, and there’s George, walking around in another eulogy. No matter how fast we run, he’s still there, right behind us.
But he doesn’t moan for “braaaaaaaains” or even “pussyyyyyyyy farrrrrrrts.” No, he sounds like Jerry Seinfeld, Stephen Colbert or some blogger. There’s George, but that isn’t George anymore.
So how do dead celebrities get around so much? Because everyone’s gotta take their turn to mourn and do it right, or their fans will jump out of the woodworks to call you “insensitive.” It’s this rabid attention to post-mortem detail that prompted us to write how to mourn a celebrity. Read more
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »