MasterChugs Theater: ‘Ichi The Killer’

As June pulls to a close, we conclude “Asian Cinema is fricking crazy” with a movie that might embody that theme more than any movie in history. Heck, it might just embody the last two words better than any other movie in history. Coming from the utterly demented mind of Takashi Miike, “Ichi the Killer” is easily one of the most controversial films of the last decade, and with good reason. Consisting of a hyper stylized visceral barrage of over the top gore, torture and rape, which hangs loosely on a threadbare skeleton of inconsequential plotting and that boasts a madman’s sense of logic. Whilst all this is certainly true, as Ichi the Killer is incredibly grotesque and overwhelmingly sadistic, beneath the surface lurks a fierce intelligence, albeit a psychotic one, which attempts to make an intellectual point through antagonizing and unapologetically provoking its viewer rather, than any kind of given subtlety. By all means, this movie is not for any one with an aversion to violence of any amount.

Interested yet? Hit the jump for more. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Ichi The Killer’

You Missed It: Sidearm edition

It is Friday, the last one we will see in June–at least for this year. Yours truly will be heading up to New York City very soon. If you were getting drafted by the NBA this week, odds are you missed it.

Fire shots in celebration
In a 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down a Washington, D.C. handgun law this week, saying it was against the Second Amendment, which guarantees the right to bear arms. Perhaps the most unusual part of the majority opinion written by Justice Antonin Scalia, who said the court interprets it as “the right to bust a cap in some punk’s ass.”

Down with the Dow
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 350 points on Thursday, making it the second worst day of the year. Some blame the fact that oil hit $140 per barrel for the first time, others on the weakening dollar, but we know it was really caused by the news that Heather Locklear entered a mental hospital that day.

Wonder how long until .xxx shows up?
The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, or ICANN, opened up the Internet’s dot-something realm this week when it decided a whole slew of new domain names can now be possible. ICANN said Arabic, Chinese and other languages can have their own .something address now. In fact, entire words can now be made for .something addresses, including .something. So get ready for SeriouslyGuys.funnynewsblogsite!

Author knighted
Author Salman Rushie was knighted by the Queen of England on Wednesday. Rushdie is best known for his controversial book “The Satanic Verses.” So for all of you Muslims out there, it’s Sir Salman Rushie you want to kill.

There’s some porn in my grill, dear Liza, dear Liza

You love your family. We know this, and it’s OK. We won’t make fun of you … too much.

We’ve seen what you’ve done to protect your family from the dangers of the world: installed a V-chip into all of the televisions, put multiple Net Nanny’s on the computer, searched under all of the mattresses and even behind the refrigerator for loose change and filthy magazines …

However, it’s the summer. That means one thing: grilling. Unfortunately, that little hibachi grill of yours just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, you walk down to your local mega-mart store and buy yourself a new shiny grill. But, like the Death Bed, this innocent household item is multi-purpose. For, instead of picking up a regular grill, you have picked up Porn Grill: the grill that comes with porn!

Hypothetical situation … or real life?

If you answered the latter, then you are correct! This very act happened to a shocked couple in Florida. And at that wholesome Wal-Mart of all places! Zounds!

Yes, said shocked couple was shown the horrors of a foreign newspaper wrapped around the grills rack (which HAS to be a double entendre) containing pictures of naked women. Words of wisdom come from Lorene Kinslow, buyer of said filthy flesh charrer:

“I was furious. Something like this came to the United States. A family could’ve bought this. It wasn’t the fact that I don’t have my children living here with me but if a husband, a family and kids could’ve got a hold of that, that was just wrong, wrong.”

Translation: as long as it had been American porn, everything would have been hunkey-dorey.

Did we say ‘Warrior of the Week?’

… Because we should have said “of the Century” or “of All Time.”

Kasey Edwards’ story is not over, meat-eaters.* After losing his arm to and gouging the eye out of an alligator, you’d think he’d hang up his frog suit and harpoon gun for good.

And you’d be thinking wrong, because he’s now leading others into action:

“‘It’s a problem that needs to be dealt with,’ victim Kasey Edwards said. ‘The alligators — the population needs to be brought down.'”

[Emphasis ours, but we assume was his, too. He probably slammed his good fist into the table for each bold-faced word.]

Admiral Edwards, we are prepared to hand our brown water navy over to you. (Hope you like fanboats!) And after you rid Florida of the scaly horde, we’ve got an international mission for you.

*Hey, vegetarians. You can hate animals, too. It’s called sport hunting or target practice. Look into it.

This is what they want us to do

Folks, domestic assault is no joking matter (except if your family members are clowns). But it is even worse when that abuse involves animals. This blog is not saying abuse against animals, that is perfectly fine. We are saying it is sad when you abuse someone with an animal.

A man in Michigan is being charged with assault after police say he stabbed his mother with a fork (sad) and then hit another woman over the head with a frozen chicken (sadder). Folks, dinner time is supposed to be a peaceful, family gathering time. It’s a long-held American tradition. In fact, dinner is the most American meal there is.

So please, don’t waste dinnertime assaulting each other. Especially with a frozen chicken.

This post has been brought to you by the American Pastured Poultry Producers Association.