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How To: Be an artist

At some point, you decided to be famous. But not normal famous–there’s some things you just won’t eat (anymore). And not by getting your band back together–Steve’s still a toolbox.

That leaves only one way to become famous: you’ll have to be an artist, and we don’t mean “I sell needlepoint apples at craft shows” artist. We mean an artiste; why, practically begging to have a ninja turtle named after you.

You keep dreaming big while we explain how to be an artist. Continue reading How To: Be an artist

If only your mother could see you now

A new scientific study claims that men tend to be attracted to and date women who look like their mother. Oh science, you silly lust filled imp, you.

Track, Trig, we totally understand.

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin:

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

“Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin; Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin” [emphasis ours].

Oh, and we invaded Pakistan yesterday. Sarah Palin.

Real doll, “real crime”, real smooth, guys

Japanese police launched a full-scale murder investigation after the gruesome discovery of body bound, gagged and wrapped in plastic … that was actually just a life-size sex doll. Oopsies. It’s so easy to mistake soft plastic with flesh, after all.

Hey, CBS, you interested in CSI: Tokyo? You could really revolutionize the forensics investigators show genre by making an actual comedy. Well, one that doesn’t involve David Caruso, that is.

What a boob

Florida police are on the lookout for … get ready for this one, a cross-dressing man who stole an old lady’s purse. Now, any good officer knows that in order to locate a suspect, you need to search the scene of the crime for clues. So, what kind of man are you looking for when said criminal was using a condom filled with water as a fake boob?

Teet.

Answering the tough questions

Side note: Will you people come back from Labor Day weekend and do insane stuff already? The news is slower than a three-legged mule.

We turn now to Paris, not because we want to, but because that is where the story comes from, of course. It has been announced that French scientists have discovered how to authenticate the vintage of wine.

Yes, the scientists have used a particle accelerator and X-ray analysis to figure out just how old that bottle of wine is. Because, you know, you can’t just look at the year on the label. The Guys are no conneisseurs of wine (we prefer grape flavored, if we must drink it), but does one really need to know exactly how old their wine is when it’s in a box?

Next up for the French scientists: how to be more pretentious.

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