So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.
And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)
They call it Old Media for a reason. (It’s old.) It’s slow, outdated and turned into such a massive conglomeration that it can’t move as nimbly as it did in the pioneering days of David Strathairn Edward R. Murrow. Print media is going the way of the woolly mammoth. Wait–that might not be such a bad thing.
Though we’ve been talking about it for years, the media is just catching on to the whole “science could bring back the mammoth and kill us all” thing. Well, not all media, just the English, who can’t be trusted anyway.
The hard-hitting journalists of the Land of the Anglos sought to find out if it’s really worth bringing back the woolly mammoth, a species our relatives killed off for us along ago.
“It’s like asking if we could play the next World Cup on the Moon – yes, but the money needed would be unbelievable,” says Professor Barry Fuller, an expert in low-temperature science and tissue preservation at University College London. “Better to focus on conserving the animals we already have.”
Fuller, we don’t know you personally, but we don’t like you. First off, soccer is boring enough as it is. The last thing we need is for it to be played in a low-gravity setting. Think about how many balls would go out of bounds and just keep going.
Secondly, no, it’s not a good idea to conserve the animals we already have. That money would be better spent eliminating the animals we already have. It’s called the war effort, Fuller. Get with it.
That little area that most of you know mainly due to Braveheart, Sean Connery and kilts, Scotland, is apparently better than you.
And you.
And you.
Oh, and we can’t forget you.
So, what’s all the acclaim for? A survey found that Scots are the most spend concious Lotharios in Great Britain during these hard economic times. Yes, rather than torture themselves by window shopping, they’d much rather hop into the sack with someone else. We can only assume that they exhibit the principle of “one good turn deserves another”. Unfortunately, it would seem that it truly is “hard out there for a pimp.”
Proving once again why Russian cosmonauts are the Celica to American astronauts’ Corolla, these brave souls have finally found a space station experiment worth toasting: growing barley and brewing it into beer back on Earth.
The Russian Academy of Science partnered with Okayama University (Japan) and the Sapporo brewing company, which proves that beer can unite even the staunchest of rivals. Who could forget Tsarist Russia’s humiliating defeat by the Imperial Japanese Navy at the Battle of Tsushima in 1905? Anyone with a zero-G buzz.
Thanks to this successful effort, the possibility of space rice wine (Sake!) has been proposed by Japan. Of course, the Russians are looking at growing potatoes in the near future.
Let’s face it, folks, free soda is really, really important. Sure, the economy is in the outhouse, most of the world hates us and we’re still fighting two wars, but when it comes down to it, where the hell is my free soda?
Dr. Pepper promised it would give every American a free soda if Guns N’ Roses ever released its album “Chinese Democracy,” which was released this month. The release of the album was highly anticipated–a 17-year wait–because at times it looks as if democracy in China would happen before “Chinese Democracy.” The good doctor held firm to his promise, and for 24 hours, a coupon was available on the soda’s Web site. Which of course, crashed within a few hours because an overwhelming demand for something free.
Apparently, you really don’t want to make Dr. Pepper drinkers mad. GN’R is suing the soda because of all the negativity found online toward Axl Rose as a result of the promotion.
“When you go on the blogs and you read the responses from the fans, they associated Axl with this promotion … and blame him for the fact that they didn’t get their free soda,” said GN’R lawyer Laurie Soriano.
Really, lawyer dude? People are upset with Axl because they didn’t get a free 12 oz. can of sugar water? You don’t think it’s because your client not only made his fans wait until they were sending their kids off to college before releasing a new album? How about that the two singles released off of it are terrible, think that’s a reason?
